The Third Peril
by ThePlotMurderers
Summary: The Baudes and the Quags arrive at a lavish five-star hotel while running for the police. There, they encounter love, betrayl and a mysterious Phantom. Third book in A Series of Queer Events
1. Chapter 1

The Third Peril

Disclaimer: This, the third installment of 'A Series of Queer Events' belongs to us. The characters and certain plot elements do not.

A/N: And here we are! The third installment

of A Series of Queer Events! We'd like to thank Gypsy Rosalie for reviewing last story THREE TIMES! Now, that's dedication! Plot Murderer #1 will now speak with the recap:

Howdy, fellers! As you know,

the Baudes and the Quags have been accused

of mass murder at Crapshack Manor. When Mr.

Poe came to check on them with his reindeer

sleigh, they escaped with him to who knows

where. The villains, Olaf, Esme, and

Carmelita, escaped on a snowmobile and sent

the good guys on the run.

Back to you, Plot Murderer #2.

Alright then, I've written Chapter One! Enjoy!

Chapter 1, Are We There Yet?

Lemony Snicket Land was known for brutal,

hellishly cold winters. And this winter was

especially so. It was the day after Christmas

and in the city of Dirty Bastard, everyone was

out going to the After-Christmas Sales.

Everybody that is, except for six people who

were flying above the city in a sleigh pulled by

reindeer.

The three Baudelaire children and the two

Quagmire children had been through quite

an ordeal the past few days, there had been

killings, betrayals, blood and cops. They had

become fugitives from the law. The three

Baudes were orphans. Their parents were killed

in a planned train wreck on the children's

first day of school. Since that day, they had

encountered their parents' murderer, the

wicked fop, Count Olaf, a tyrant who had tried

once to get their enormous fortune and

succeeded only in kidnapping the children's

new friends, the Quagmires.

The two Quags were also rich, but were not

orphans. They had tried to help the Baudes but

were snatched away and kept in a sewer for

days.

Each of these children had a talent and a

lover. I will list these stats now:

Violet Baudelaire

Age: 14

Talent: Inventing

Lover: Duncan Quagmire, Note: Has not yet

actually been racy to him or anything else

that would signify love-making

Tolerance: Very low

Klaus 'Chubs' Baudelaire

Age: 12

Talent: Researching

Lover: Isadora Quagmire, Note: Very

passionate, had sex in Count Olaf's office

Tolerance: Very high, Note: Tolerence is far

from high when one doesn't call him Chubs

Sunny Baudelaire

Age: 10 months

Talent: Biting, Note: Has four mutant sharp

teeth

Lover: Count Olaf, Note: They were apparently

very close. He betrayed her countless times and

she still wants him. Go figure

Tolerance: None, Note: Has been known to

scrape faces off

Duncan Quagmire

Age: 13

Talent: Journalism, Note: He never mentions

this talent due to the author's laziness

Lover: Violet Baudelaire

Tolerance: Limitless

Isadora Quagmire

Age: 13

Talent: Poet

Lover: Klaus 'Chubs' Baudelaire

Tolerance: Regulated , Note: Can get pissed if

you touch Chubs

Arthur Poe

Age: 500

Talent: Banker: Coughs a lot, if that's a talent

Lover: Wife of which you all purposefully know

very little about

Tolerance: Boundless, Note: He's very boring

Anywho, these people were on the run. Well,

not Mr. Poe, the police just thought that the

kids had kidnapped him.

"Mr. Poe?" piped up Violet, saying the first word

in a day, "Where are we going, anyway?"

"Ah! I was wondering when you'd ask that!"

said Mr. Poe before breaking into another of

his random coughing fits, "If you would look

below us, you will see that we are in Dirty

Bastard!"

The kids did look down and the Baudes were

pleased to see that they were in their home

town. "By Jove!" exclaimed Chubs, "It has been

such a long time since I have seen our home

turf!" "Beedebe!" said Sunny, which meant, in

her baby language, "I'm not that happy. I

hated living here! It's much more fun being a

wanted murderer!"

"So," began Violet, "are we going back to our

mansion?" to which Mr. Poe replied, "What?

Heavens, no! It was demolished anyway!"

"WHAT?" gasped all the Baudes. "There,

there," said Duncan, patting Violet on the

back, "things haven't gone all down south

yet!" "Why was it demolished?" asked Isadora.

"Some Japanese company bought the land and

is going to build a crane factory where your

house used to be."

"So where are we going?" asked Violet. "To my

secret, Poe Cave!" exclaimed Mr. Poe excitedly,

"It's on the other side of town from here. There,

we will be safe from the police. I also have

bowls and bowls of my special Poe Custard!"

The children weren't exactly pleased to find

out where they were going. Then again, they

also weren't pleased when they fell out of the

sky. Here's what happened: in the streets below

them, a group of Dirty Bastard's Board of

Security spotted the reindeer sleigh. "Holy

Guacamole!" exclaimed Chief of the Guard,

Wimbeldon Sausagepot, "There's a sleigh with

flying reindeer up there! Dirty Bastard is

under attack! Shoot them down!"

And that's just what the guards did. Suddenly

a hail of active grenades surrounded Mr. Poe's

sleigh. "What the hell is going on?"

screamed Violet as the entire back end of the

sleigh was lit aflame and several of the flying

reindeer died disgustingly hidous deaths,

"Well," Chubs began to explain, shouting so

that he could be heard over the explosions,

"clearly, someone on the ground doesn't like

us, and we're going to pay for it with our lives.

Hold me, Isadora!" Isaodora complied and

wrapped her arms around her chubby wubby

Chubsy.

Finally, the sleigh was so severely damaged

and so many reindeer were dead that they all

began to fall, crashing down towards the

streets below.

"

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

!" screamed the

falling heroes.

"

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

!" screamed the

people on the street, as they saw the flaming

projectile coming down towards them.

And then, of course, the falling ones hit the

street right in the way of an oncoming taxi.

"Ohhh!" groaned Sunny, as she crawled out of

the flaming wreckage. What she said meant,

"That was horrible. How are we even alive?"

"Does that matter?" asked Violet as she and

the others scrambled out as well, pulling with

them the last scorched remains of their

luggage. From the driver's window of the taxi

that I mentioned earlier, a little Chinese kid

with a Yankees baseball cap looked out saying,

"Wow! Holy smoke! Crash landing!"

"Movie Reference!" said Sunny. The passenger

door of the taxi opened and a woman looked

out. This woman was wearing a black garbage

bag and had her hair all grizzled where it

was frizzled; she called to the children and

the fatass, "Baudelaires! Quagmires! Fat

Coughing Guy! Come into my magical taxi

of dreams and wonders!"

"Let's not go inside." Said Duncan worriedly,

"Please?" said the woman, "I have candy and

a puppy!" "Well, that settles everything!" said

Chubs, getting to his feet, "We're going in

there!"

Reluctantly, the others followed him into the

taxi where the crazy lady sat, "Wait one

measly minute!" shouted Chubs in a voice of

extreme ferocity, "There's no candy in here!

Nor is there a puppy! What the hell do you

think you're playing at?"

The crazy lady though ignored him, saying to

the kid-driver, "Short Round, step on it!"

"Okey-dokie Crazy Lady and company, hold

on to your potatoes!" With that, he swung his

cap around to the back of his head. "For

crying out loud, there's a kid driving the car!"

realized Isadora. Just then, the kid put his

pedal to the metal and the taxi began its

journey along the roads of Dirty Bastard.

"So," began Mr. Poe to the Crazy Lady, "who

exactly, are you?" "My name is Kit Snicket. I

believe the Baudelaires met my brother."

"Indeed we did," said Chubs, "Jacques, you

mean?" "Yes."

"He's dead you know."

"I know."

"Part of me wants to laugh at you because of

it."

"You're a Dirty Bastard."

"Isn't that the name of this city?"

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Chubs glowered as he won his comeback

contest.

"Anyway," Kit continued, "I'm picking you up

because of your parents. And your parents too,

Quagmires."

"Our parents?" asked the two Quags, "Yes,"

replied Kit, "you see, both the Baude and the

Quag parents served in a secret organization

called ZYK."

There was a sudden hushed silence as shock

descended on the kids. This silence was broken

by Sunny singing, 'Secret Agent Man' at the top

of her lungs, this meant, "Awesome! That

means I can be the female James Bond!"

"What do those letters mean?" asked Violet, to

which Kit replied, "I can't tell you, it's

essential to the plot that you don't know. What

I can tell you, though, is why you're here. I'm

taking you to the Hotel Plot Twist, on the Ritzy

side of the city. Once there, you will be

provided with your full mission."

"Wait," said Isadora slowly, "if our parents

were in this secret organization, then where

are they now?" "That," said Kit, "is the mystery

that we're trying to solve."

COMPLETE SILENCE AS…

THE CURTAIN FALLS

A/N: How'd you like that? Try figuring out what ZYK stands for! As a matter of fact, I should start trying to figure that our as well. The reason that we've kept the Quag parents alive will be figured starting in this story. And of course, Mr. Poe is going to do some awesome things in the course of this story. But, you'll have to wait till next week.

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2, You Call This Place Classy?

Disclaimer: Nothing. That is all. Please see Irene at the help desk for more information

A/N: Here be chapter two as well as a bucket of Thanksgiving greetings for our fellow USA-ers! As I hate turkey and would never send it to one as a gift, we are instead releasing both Chapters 2 and 3 this week! Yes, yes, 'HUZZAH' and all that. We'd also like to thank Gypsy Rosalie, our first reviewer for Book 3! LET'S GET STARTED!

"Now," continued Kit, pulling out a big box, "in here are disguises that will get you past the cops. Also there is a Gold Card for you, Mr. Poe, under a false name of course."

"Of course." replied Mr. Poe. "We're here!" shouted the Chinese Kid, pulling the taxi to an abrupt stop. Looking out the windows, they could see the ginormous Hotel Plot Twist. It was a very tall building on a ridge that rose above the frosty beach.

"Well," said Kit, as she pushed the others out of the cab, "I will leave you on your own! Ta-ta! Step on it Shorty!" And then she was gone, leaving the Baudes, the Quags, and Mr. Poe alone with a box of weird things.

"Well," said Mr. Poe, "let's get started!"

Ten minutes later, in the giant and surprisingly almost empty lobby of the Hotel Plot Twist, which had some kind of giant clock in the ceiling or something like that, a giant chicken with a fat man wearing a white suit and bushy mustache, mounted on it strode inside. "May I help you?" asked the desk fellow. The man replied in a freaky Southern Accent that sounded like that big rooster on Looney Toons, "I see, I see here! I'm Colonel Sanders, the guy who invented Kentucky Fried Chicken. And this is my Chicken Steed, Maurice!" With that he slapped the big chicken on the rump, causing it to let loose with an explosive fart. "Eww!" came a voice from inside the chicken, "Chubs, did you do that?" "It wasn't me! I swear it wasn't!" came another voice. "Stop yelling at Chubs!" Came another.

"I did it!"

"You did?"

"Duncan!"

"Titicaca!"

Then, music began to emit from the chicken, "ON THE RADIO! WOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ON THE RADIO! WOO-HOO!"

"Oh, sorry, that was my cell," came one of the voices again, then there was a sound like a phone turning on and then the same voice said, "Hi. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm not. WTF? No, I'm not, you perv! Who is this? Well screw off!" The desk guy proceeded to say to 'Colonel Sanders', "What are those voices, Colonel?" the 'Colonel' replied, "You see, you see, those would be the ferrets Maurice had for breakfast. They be talkin' up a storm! Now, may I have a room?" here he withdrew a Gold Card, "I have credit!"

"Very well, sir."

"And I'll be needin' a damn big suite to! So Maurice won't be far from Papa!"

"Very well sir. Would you like our Presidential Suite? It takes up the entire top floor."

"That'll be mighty swell! I'll take that one!" "Very good sir," he took out a green card, "use this in the elevator, it's the only way you can get to the suite."

"Sure fire thing, boy!"

Taking the card, the 'Colonel' and 'Maurice' took off into the elevator.

Once inside, 'Maurice's' rear was un-zippered and the five children tumbled out, gasping for breath, "My word!" exclaimed Chubs, "That was suffocating!" "Yeah." agreed Violet, "Mr. Poe, you can take off your disguise now." Mr. Poe, who was running the green card through the slot said, "No! I like my funny mustache and accessories, and you can't take them from me!" "Vebinski!" said Sunny, which meant, "Could you SHUT THE HELL UP?"

Mr. Poe was about to respond in the negative, when the elevator door opened, revealing the presidential suite.

The place was very similar to the oval office.

There was a sofa-bed, a plasma screen TV, several marble toilets and ornate pots, a small, rusty desk that one would find in a one-room school house, a flag sporting the McDonalds sign, and a strong smell of charcoal.

"Oh, joy!" exclaimed Chubs as they stepped out of the elevator, "A minibar!". He dashed over to the shiny little fridge and opened it, revealing shelves of snacks and drinks. Chubs immediately began to wolf down as many morsels as he possibly could.

"Chubs," Violet began, exasperated, "those are like, $50 dollars a piece!"

"Oh, mini-bar Nazi are we?" Chubs asked, chips tumbling out of his mouth as he spoke.

"Now, now," began Mr. Poe before coughing again, "in the box Kit gave us, there are disguises for you, Baudelaires." "Why just us?" asked Violet. Mr. Poe replied, "Because you're the main characters! Now, Violet you will be disguised as a stripper in the stanky nightclub on the roof. Chubs, you will be disguised as an attendent in the spa on the fourth floor. Sunny, you will be disguised as the rat that prowls within the walls." With that, he tossed elaborate costumes to the Baudes, pushed them into the bathroom shouting, "Hurry along and change now!" and turned to the Quags, "Now," he said, staring at the wide collection of PC accesories under the Computer desk, "let's see what amusing games are waiting to be discovered in that little cupboard over there."

"This one looks most interesting!" remarked Duncan, holding up a case labeled, 'American McGee's Alice'.

DUN, DUN, DUN!

A/N: WOOT! I included my American McGee's Alice obsession! Yeah, next chapter the Baudes get hotel jobs and Mr. Poe and the Quags play American McGee's Alice. I can't really tell you which one is better!

Update Already Up!:)


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3, THIS IS MADNESS!

Disclaimer: As stated in the prievous 28 chapters of this tale, nothing is ours

A/N: And here's the second half of your Thanksgiving gift! Chapter 3 which, on Open Office Writer, is five pages long! Ready? Set. GO!

Mr. Poe and the Quags sat themselves around the suite's computer and slid American McGee's Alice into the disk drive. "Well," began Mr. Poe. "let us play!"

After the little advertisements for EA and Havoc Games, the menu's screen came up, featuring a picture of a young woman lying in bed.

"Is that Alice?" wondered Isadora. Her brother replied, "We won't find out until we press 'play', dear sister!"

And so the game began with shots of toys and things in a little girl's bedroom, "The music is disturbing." noted Mr. Poe. Now they saw a younger Alice in bed, sleeping ever peacefully with a white rabbit doll in her arm. "How very sweet!" said Duncan, just then, the camera panned to show a little black kitten knocking over a stack of books which knocked over the lit oil lamp, spilling the oil over the floor where it ignited.

"That's kind of depressing and sadistic." pointed out Isadora, "It's American McGee, sister. What did you expect?" said Duncan blandly.

The Baudes stepped into the elevator, all dandified in their disguises. Violet was wearing a red tube top, miniskirt and fishnets. Mr. Poe had also made her apply makeup with a rake. Chubs was wearing a white leotard and was liberally doused with oil of cloves and Sunny was wearing a scratchy gray rat costume. "Well, I'm getting off on the roof." Said Violet, exiting the elevator.

The rooftop nightclub was like most places of its kind, only, you know, with a bit more class since we're in a five star hotel and all that. "You! Girl!" called a harsh and very familiar voice. Violet turned around and saw none ever then Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor, the city's sixth most important backstabbing whore! She was wearing a two piece made out of tomato slices and a set of boots made out of aluminum foil.

"I want you to sing something liberally annoying and stupid."

Violet frowned, she didn't want to do anything for this dreadful woman, but she would have to if she wanted to keep her cover, which she did want.

"Darling!" Esme called to someone in the crowd, "Please come, I've found a skanky stripper to sing for us!"

Out of the crowd of dancing strippers and waiters stepped a girl of around fifteen, she wore several strips of white lacey fabric seducitevly wound around her body. Violet blanched, the girl was Carmelita Spats. The one who had betrayed Duncan.

"Excellant!" praised Carmelita, "A cake-sniffing whore! Sing, whore, sing!"

Violet resisted the urge to slap these two self-possesed brats upside the face and took her position on the raised dais in the center of the roof. Now, all was silent, the music stopped and the racy dancing ceased.

"Hit it, DJ!" demanded Violet, the music started up once more and Violet began:

ALEJANDRO {As sung by the Countess of B*tchery, AKA, Lady Gaga}

Violet: I know that we are young.

And I know you may love me.

But I just can't be with you like this anymore.

Alejandro.

She's got both hands

in her pocket.

And she won't look at you,

Won't look at you

She hides true love

En su bolsillo.

She's got a halo 'round her finger.

Around you.

You know that I love you boy.

Hot like Mexico, rejoice.

At this point I gotta choose,

nothing to loose.

Don't call my name.

Don't call my name, Alejandro.

I'm not your babe.

I'm not your babe, Fernando.

Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch.

Just smoke one cigarette and hush.

Don't call my name.

Don't call my name, Roberto.

Alejandro.

Alejandro.

Ale-ale-jandro.

Ale-ale-jandro.

Just stop. Please. Just let me go. Alejandro. Just let me go.

She's not broken,

She's just a baby.

But her boyfriend's like a dad, just like a dad.

and all those flames that burned before him.

Now he's gonna fight your fight, gonna cool the bad.

You know that I love you boy.

Hot like Mexico, rejoice.

At this point I gotta choose,

nothing to lose.

Don't call my name.

Don't call my name, Alejandro.

I'm not your babe.

I'm not your babe, Fernando.

Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch.

Just smoke my cigarette and hush.

Don't call my name.

Don't call my name, Roberto.

Alejandro.

Alejandro.

Ale-ale-jandro.

Ale-ale-jandro.

Don't bother me.

Don't bother me. Alejandro

Don't call my name.

Don't call my name, Fernando.

I'm not your babe.

I'm not your babe, Alejandro.

Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch. Fernando.

Don't call my name.

Don't call my name, Alejandro.

I'm not your babe.

I'm not your babe, Fernando.

Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch.

Just smoke my cigarette and hush.

Don't call my name.

Don't call my name, Roberto.

Alejandro.

Alejandro.

Ale-ale-jandro.

Ale-ale-jandro.

Don't call my name.

Don't call my name, Alejandro.

I'm not your babe.

I'm not your babe, Fernando.

Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch.

Just smoke my cigarette and hush.

Don't call my name.

Don't call my name, Roberto.

Alejandro.

There was much applause as Violet took her bows, accepted $3,000 from Lady Gaga's agent for singing her crappy songs, and was served a gin martini with a side of cheese.

"That was truly marvelous, cake-sniffing stripper!" clapped Carmelita, Esme nodded, "Quite so. Now if you would please get the hell out of my face, I will be most pleased!"

Violet spun on her heel and marched away, flicking Esme off on the way out.

Back in the suite, Mr. Poe and the Quags had finally finished with the opening cut scene of American McGee's Alice and were now journying through the first level: The Village of the Doomed.

"The controls are rather slipshod." muttered Mr. Poe as he pressed every key imaginable trying to find Alice's walk function. "It's kinda straight forward, Mr. Poe." said Isadora, "You press 'W' to walk and hold Shift to run." She suited the action to the task and Mr. Poe gaped at her video game superiority. "Good show, sister!" said Duncan, "Watch out now, an enemy is approaching!"

Indeed, a card soldier, a Club, was running to Alice, armed with, well, a club.

Isadora pressed the attack key to throw her Vorpal Blade at the card, whose head promptly blew up in a torrent of blood.

"Mother Most Holy!" exclaimed Mr. Poe, "This game is violent!"

"Sure is." nodded Isadora sagely, Mr. Poe face-palmed.

Chubs nodded to Sunny, "Farewell, sister!" as he left the elevator on the 4th Floor.

His leotard was itching the blazes out of him and the oil of cloves was making his eyes water.

He knocked on the door marked, 'Spa' at the end of the corridor and was admitted into one of the kind of first class, steamy, floral-smelling spas that only exist in LA and in people's imaginations. He approaced the front desk, "Greetings!" he said curtly, "My name is Patrick Narracott! I am here to assit in the soothing of the guests!"

The woman behind the desk eyed him weirdly, "Okay. Um, report to the Sauna and pass out towels or something."

"Decidly, so!" agreed Chubs, "What an odd woman." he reflected as he continued through the Spa, "Why does everyone I meet treat me like a disease? It's probably due to my large vocabulary!"

With this thought in mind, Chubs knocked on the wood paneled door marked 'Sauna'.

"Come in!" boomed a loud and authoritive voice.

Chubs stepped in. As he was completly unaware of what a Sauna was he was completly shocked by the hot steam and wood paneling.

"Good Lord!" he screamed, "The hotel's on fire!" He proceeded to grope about in the fog, trying to find a fire extingusher.

"Cease your prattel, knave!" came the booming voice again. Chubs looked down and was met with a diminutinive midgit whose face was enshrouded by the mist.

"There's no fire. Not yet."

"Who are you, sir?" asked Chubs, "I have many names." he replied, "My favorite at the moment is Freidrich Parvichini. But as you are a humble servant, you may call me Sir."

"Very well, Sir. Are you enjoying yourself in the Sauna?"

"Oh, I'm not here to enjoy the Sauna! I'm hiding from my business partner, Charles Sternhart. I believe he's in love with me."

Chubs decided to ignore that last statment and continued speaking, "What business are you in, Sir?"

"Lumber. I murder the wood nymphs and sell their souls to the Devil so that I may live."

Chubs was impressed, "Was that Shakespeare?"

"No, it was my beer. Shakes stole it from me. I've never forgiven him for that. I've been alive these past six centuries to escape him. I was the inspiration for Hamlet, you know."

"You were, were you?" Chubs was amazed: he was meeting someone older than Shakespeare!

"Indeed I was. I got eternal life from the Devil, in exhange for 100 wood nymphs every year. I took up shop in the Black Forest and I destroyed the trees. And, damnit if I didn't enjoy every minute of it!"

He brought his fist down on the bench. "You don't get out much, do you?" asked Chubs, drily.

"No, I don't. This is my first vacation in 200 years. Charles suggested I take one. Not that this is fun at all! Hist!"

"What?"

"Hist, I say! Hist! Hist!"

"What are you talking about, Sir?"

"Get the hell out of here!"

"Alright then!" Chubs dashed out of the Sauna, frightened for his life.

Mr. Poe and the Quags were now in the second level of Alice: 'The Fortress of Doors' and the Skool for the Insane.

"Those kids look sick." trailed off Isadora as she guided Alice through the craziness. "Look out, there's a banshee!"

Duncan retorted, "It's called a BOOJUM!"

Boojum were, in essence, quite like banshees, black ghosts who screamed. They were rather pains in the ass as well.

Isadora pressed the Atack key to weild her newest weapon, the Electric Croquet Mallet, against the wicked beasts.

"What are we looking for, again?" she asked, Duncan replied, "The gymnasium, I believe. Of course there's so many twists and turns that I have no idea where we are right now!"

Mr. Poe sighed and took a Giant Hershey Chocalate Bar out of the Minifridge.

He began to sing his stoutness song:

'I am short, fat, proud of that

Puts me in the mood

FOR FOOD!'

Sunny was the last to get out of the elevator.

"Gispak!" she muttered to herself, which meant: 'Now what is it that Giant Rats do?'

The answer came to her at once: "Pavolini!" which meant, "To the nearest crappy resteraunt!"

There happened to be one right down the hall: a McDonald's. Why there was a McDonald's in a five star hotel was a mystery that will never be solved.

Inside there were only three customers and Sunny knew them all too well.

They were the teachers from Prufrock Preparatory School, which the Baudes had attended that Fall.

Principal Nero, Mr. Remora and Mr/Mrs. Bass were all eccentric idiots that were bent on threesomes every night and horrible violin music. They were currently dining on value meals.

Sunny crept under their table, unoticed, and began to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"MEASURE!" screamed Mr./Mrs. Bass, "Measure what, Bass?" asked Mr. Remora, "Measure my french fry, of course!" he/she replied.

"You're so gross, Bass!" roared Nero, "I'm going to vomit!" he marched off and proceeded to trip over a wet floor sign.

"I didn't mean it that way!" muttered Mr./Mrs. Bass.

"I think he's unconcious!" announced Mr. Remora, getting up to examine Nero.

"Excellant! Let's think of ways we can get rid of him!" cackled Mr./Mrs. Bass.

"Why?"

"Because he's a slobbering ass who likes you more than me!"

"I don't think that's a good reason to be done with him!"

"Maybe not to you, but what about my needs?"

"Oh, shut up and measure your French Fry!"

Sunny deemed the rest of the coversation to be not worth her time and scampered out of the resteraunt.

Isadora had successfully managed to guide Alice to the third level: The Vale of Tears.

Alice was climbing several rocky ledges and crossing under waterfalls as Duncan praised his sister, "Cheers to you, Isadora! I didn't know you had the makings of a gaming progidy!"

Isadora looked at him, "Honestly, the game isn't even hard!"

"Watch out!" screamed Mr. Poe, for a Giant Ant had just pushed a boulder on Alice, crushing her.

"Damn! We never saved!" cursed Isadora slapping the computer and retreating to the bathroom.

A/N: How do you like it? Yeah, I really hate Lady Gaga. Charles' new last name is derived from a charecter in an Indiana Jones video game and American McGee's Alice is a sadistic game with a dreadful plot that, though very easy, is very addicting. The reason I condensed what was three chapters in the book to only one chapter was to make room for more romance, action and mystery!

Have a truly happy Thanksgiving from both of us!

Update coming next Friday!:)


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4, Something's Amiss or Maybe That's

Just Me

Disclaimer: You know. That.

A/N: IT'S THE HOLIDAY SEASON! That, and Gypsy Rosalie reviewed which is always a great treat! I have a surprise for you in this chapter, the first of many! Read on!

The Baudes reuntited with the Quags and Mr.

Poe in the Suite. "Well, what have you

discovered?" asked Mr. Poe as they sat around

the plasma said, "Esme Squalor is

here, and so is Carmelita!"

Duncan paled, "The scarlet woman who toyed

with my affections!"

"Yeah. Anyway, if they're here, Olaf can't be far

behind!"

"Decidely so." agreed Chubs, "I met a most

interesting person today."

He related the story of his disturbing

encounter with the 600+ year old Sir. "I don't

see what that has to do with anything."

remarked Isadora.

"You're right, darling. But he was a most

odiferous and neferious character. He might

be in cahoots with Olaf!"

"And what have you found out, Sunny?"

"NeroRemoraBassAss!" began Sunny, which

meant, "The crazy threesome is staying here!

I think they're plotting to kill each other!"

"Most peculier!" gasped Chubs putting on his

thinking face, "Surely there must be some

connection? Esme, Carmelita, our old School

Masters as well as a man from the

Shakesperaian era and his queer assitant.

What could it mean?"

Night was descending on the Hotel Plot Twist

as Esme Squalor sat in the corner of her suite,

smoking a cigarette with an ebony holder.

"Is he here yet, darling?" she asked of

Carmelita Spats, who was watching through

the window.

"There are cars coming up the drive!" she

announced grandly.

"Oh, really? Let us inform Mr. Plot Twist."

Ernest Plot Twist was one of the Hotel's two

managers. He was known for being crotchety

and high on Peruvian Pepper Pods half the

time. He was the exact opposite of his twin

brother, the other manager, Frank.

The two girls descended into the Main Room

where Ernest sat.

"Ernest, there are cars coming up the drive!"

Ernest lept from his seat in happy anticipation,

"It must be the arsonists!"

"The arsonists!" Carmelita chimed in, just to be

annoying.

The three ran around the room like idiots for

a few moments before Ernest opened the grand

doors and Flo walked in.

Flo was a slutty young creature and one of

Olaf's associates who, along with her hideous

older sister Tocuna, had kidnapped the

Quagmires from Prufrock Preparatory School.

She and her sister wore talcum powder all over

their faces to help with their unbecoming

facial rash. Flo was carrying a little suitcase

in one hand and a butcher's knife in the

other.

Music began to play out of nowhere and the

first of several ridiculous musicals that we've

randomly inserted into the story began.

MARVELOUS WEEKEND {from 'Something's

Afoot'}

Ernest: You must be Miss Flo!

Flo: Yes, that's right!

{she looks around}

Ohhhhhh, what a lovely hotel!

Ernest: {speaking} May I take your things,

Miss?

Flo: Oh, thank you!

{Singing}

Ohhhh, what a marvelous atomsphere!

{now a bald guy with a long nose enters, his

name is Reggie the Bean, better known as

Reggie, he is another of Olaf's hench-idiots}

Ernest: {speaking} Mr. Bean! Such a pleasure to

see you, sir!

Reggie: How are you Ernest?

Esme: Baldy, I'm sure you remember Flo.

Reggie: Ah, yes! Is Olaf here yet?

Esme: He'll be along in a second. He's probably

getting drunk on the way over.

Flo: {singing} Oh, what a lovely hotel it is!

Reggie: Yes, it is!

{next, Enya arrives, Enya is not a man or a

woman, it is an it who came forth from

prehistoric ooze in the begining of time,

another hench person}

Ernest: {speaking} Ah! You.

Enya: I prefer to be called 'Enya'. {to Esme} Has

Olaf arrived?

Carmelita: He'll be here shortly, cakesniffer!

{Enya roars in rage and throws Carmelita

against the wall, no one notices or cares, for

that matter}

Flo: {Singing} Oh, what a lovely, lovely,

LOVELY, lovely hotel it is!

All: {Shouting} WILL YOU SHUT UP WITH THE

DAMN LOVELY HOTEL?

{the doors open once more and Tocuna walks

in, as I said before, Tocuna is Flo's older and

uglier sister and also wears white powder on

her face to cover the genetic family rash}

Ernest: {speaking} Miss Tocuna! What a

pleasure!

Tocuna: Hello. {to Flo} How did you get here?

Flo: Took the 5 train. You really can't get

around Dirty Bastard if you don't use the

subway. How'd you come over?

Tocuna: I took a gypsy cab. Pervert driver. I

was coming from a pedicure.

Flo: Oh, let me see!

{Tocuna removes her shoe and everyone in the

room gags at the sight and smell of her

disgusting feet}

Tocuna: {putting shoe back on} Sorry about

that.

Flo: {singing} Aren't we lucky to all be here?

Reggie: {speaking} At least you changed it up

a bit.

{now Fernald enters, he is tall and skinny as a

bone, with menacing hooks instead of hands,

he is the last of Olaf's cronies}

Ernest: Fernald, how are you?

Fernald: {charming British accent} Fine,

thanks.

Ernest: How's the family?

Fernald: They're off piloting some idiot

submarine. Dad thinks he's going to find

heaps of pure Marajuana at Atlantis. Yet

another get rich quick scheme.

Enya: Those never work! I know from

expierence!

Esme: Are you talking about the time you tried

to sell dead rabbits for horse tails?

Enya: Yeah. Damn rabbit spirits!

{at last, Count Olaf enters, he is the same

crazy lunatic from the last two stories, ratty

black suit, giant bald spot, unibrow, obscene

tattoo on his left ankle, etc. etc.}

Ernest: Count Olaf! How have you been?

{everyone gathers around Olaf as he walks

into the room}

Olaf: {Singing} Set up my matches!

I feel so inspired!

Who could feel tired in this atomsphere?

Collect the idiots that you have aquired for a

most maddening arson!

{embracing Esme}

We've been invited to a Marvelous Arson! A

Marvelous Arson in the city air!

All: We've been invited to a Marvelous Arson!

We'll burn the whole place down! We're gonna

burn it to the ground!

Fernald: Smoke and sparks will be on the

agenda!

Reggie: No need to worry with our evil plan!

Flo: In my opinion murder should be on to the

agenda!

Tocuna: I recomend some good pillaging!

Enya: I recomend the Vodka! VODKA!

All: We've been invited for the arson!

Esme: {does an opera note}

All: ARSON IN THE CITY AIR!

{everyone files into the elevator, how they

allmanaged to fit, I will never know, out of the

shadows steps Ernest's brother, Frank Plot

Twist, he's nice but doesn't do crap to get

anything done right}

Frank: Good Lord! My brother's hosting a

conference of villany! I'd better alert the

guests!

THE CURTAIN FALLS BUT THE CHAPTER'S NOT

OVER YET

Ernest led Olaf and his troupe along the sixth

floor corridor.

"Count Olaf, you will be in Miss Squalor's and

Miss Spatt's room." he said gesturing to the

door.

"Of course." Olaf nodded, "Now, please excuse

us. Esme and I have some business to attend to

while the little brat tapes everything."

Carmelita made sounds of revulsion as she

followed the evil lovers into their room.

Ernest continued down the Hall, showing the

others where their rooms were.

All of this was observed through the peephole of

room 604. The observer was a young man

named Charles Sternhart, the business partner

of Sir.

"How exciting!" he clapped his hands as he sat

across from his little associate, whose face was

enshrouded by the smoke from the pipe he was

smoking.

"What's so exciting about it?" asked Sir

irritably, Charles replied, "Why, there's a group

of internationals down the Hall! It's rather

intriguing isn't it?"

"No. What is that?" Sir was inquiring of a

hideous midnight blue thing Charles was

constructing with lentghs of knitting wool.

"Oh, they're stockings for your little toes! It's

my late Christmas gift to you!"

"It's only the day after Christmas, it's not

exactly late."

"It is to me." Charles decided to change the

subject, "Are you excited about New Year's

Eve Party coming up in a few days?"

"Not really."

"Well I am! I wonder what I'm going to wear!"

"I'm going to bed." Sir climbed into the King

Size Bed in the back of the room while Charles

put down his knitting and curled up to sleep

on the couch.

"Fruitcup." Sir muttered to himself as he shut

off the lights.

In a room on the third floor, Principal Nero

was reading Harry Potter. He had only just

discovered the series and had proceeded to be

pissed when he found out that Hermione went

with Ron when Harry was so much more

deserving. He didn't like Ginny at all!

"Hand me my wig!" yelled Bass, running past

him. His/Her bald head was showing. Remora

must have stolen His/Her filthy black wig

again.

"Never!" shouted Remora, emerging from the

bathroom with the wig in one hand and a

pair of garden sheers in the other.

"Don't you dare destroy my wig!"

"I'll do anything I please!" huffed Remora and

he snipped the wig up into little shreds of black

yarn.

"YOU MONSTER!"

"HAG!"

"ROACH!"

"WHORE OF BABYLON!"

Nero looked up in shock: SPOILER ALERT!

SNAPE HAD JUST KILLED DUMBLEDORE!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

wailed Nero, sinking to his knees and sobbing.

In the background, Remora had given Bass a

black eye and Bass had hit him on the head

with the desk lamp.

Nero didn't give a damn.

In the Presidential Suite, the Baudes, the

Quags and Mr. Poe had showered and dressed

in the plushy Hotel Plot Twist Bathrobes they

had found in the closet. Surprisingly there was

a size for all of them, even Sunny!

"TV!" screamed Sunny, which meant, "Switch

on Style, I want to see those bratty Bridezillas!"

"You must put on QVC!" said Chubs, "They're

going to have their After-Christmas sales!"

"Shut up, you asses!" cut in Violet, "I wanna see

'Idol'!:

"New Moon's showing on HBO!" squeeled

Isadora, "I have got to see Taylor Lautner take

his shirt off!"

Chubs stared at her for a few moments, as did

Duncan who said, "None of that tosh! I insist

we watch that Documentery on the Great War

that's showing on History!"

"NO!" roared Mr. Poe. "We are going to

watch, 'The History of the Penny' on Channel

Thirteen and that's final!"

As a banker, Mr. Poe had a fetish for boring

shows that talked about money. He coughed

up phlegm directly after his speech so the

children decided to begrugingly show him

mercy.

Just as the Documentery was begining, there

was a little 'ding!' and the elevator doors

opened, admitting Frank, the manager.

"What the duece do you want?" asked Mr. Poe

before remembering that he was supposed to be

Colonel Sanders, and the children inside his

giant chicken Maurice.

"Listen," Frank began, "I know who you really

are. Kit Snicket sent you."

"Yeah, she did." said Violet, instantly on her

guard, "What's it to you?"

"My name is Frank Plot Twist. I'm the manager

here. Well, one of the managers. The other

manager, my twin brother Ernest. I think he's

involved with some giant conspiricy to

overthrow the world."

"Overthrow the world?" asked Duncan, taking

Violet's hand in his, "How does he intend to go

about that?"

"He's admitted, without my knowledge mind

you, a group of strange people. The leader of

them is named 'Olaf''."

"Damnit, crap!" cursed Isdora, "He's back!"

"You know him?" asked Frank, surprised.

"He has repeatedly endangered our lives." said

Chubs, "We last saw him fleeing into the snow

with his girlfriend."

"Of course!" cut in Violet, "That's why Esme and

Carmelita were here. They were going to hold

the place for him and his other creepy

assistants so they wouldn't bring up suspicion!

Then in the dead of night, this 'Ernest' guy lets

Olaf and the others in!"

"What are we going to do?" asked Mr. Poe.

"I'm not sure about that." replied Frank, "But

please take this."

He produced a Harpoon Gun from apparently

out of nowhere and handed it to them.

"Use it wisely." he said as he slunk back into

the Elevator.

There was a long silence.

"#$%!" swore Sunny. Everyone had to agree.

A/N: How'd you like it? 'Something's Afoot' is a

hilarious murder mystery musical. I adapted

the opening number 'Marvelous Weekend' into

'Marvelous Arson' for my amusement.

If you want to hear the original song, follow the link on our profile.

You may be asking a question right now.

That question is most likely: 'When the hell are

they gonna mention the Sugar Bowl?"

Well, never fear! It will be brought up soon. But

it's not the Sugar Bowl anymore. Heh, heh,

heh!:O That's Evoldo, my evil laugh smiley!

Update coming next Friday!:)


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5, The Twinkling

Disclaimer: Nothing.

A/N: Only eight days left till Christmas vacation! For me, at least. We'd like to thank Gypsy Rosalie, our loyal reviewer. This chapter will not include a song but will feature a bit of mystery. Not specfically a murder mystery but a type of mystery that this story is lampooning. The 'slasher' genre. Speaking of which, if you would be so kind, please read the concluding note before reviewing. I have a question for you all there.

And so it begins...

Violet awoke that morning to a smell of roasted licorice. She turned around in bed and saw that Mr. Poe was outside the bathroom pulling his trousers on.

"Oh, my God! My eyes!" she screamed, "Why can't you go to the bathroom for that?"

"Chubs is in there." replied the disgusting banker, "He's tweezing his armpit hairs and he says he doesn't want to be disturbed."

"And who's roasting licorice?" she asked. "Isadora. She wanted to order breakfast but the phone was dead so she decided to roast some Twizzlers. They're the only things left in the minibar."

"Why's the phone dead?"

"I can answer that question, darling!" came a voice and Duncan entered the room, dressed in a sweater and khakis.

He gave Violet a quick kiss on the cheek and began, "We're snowed in."

"WHAT? Not again!" Violet had reason to be distressed, just two days ago in the Dandruff Mountains, the Baudes had been snowed up in a mansion with Count Olaf. Mass murder had followed shortly after.

"The bad part is, the snow seems to show no signs of stopping."

Violet looked out the window and saw that Duncan was right, the snow was falling steadly. Not a blizzard, but it was a lot of snow nonethless.

A scream cut into the silence, "Sunny!" cried Violet, recognizing the scream.

"I'm not running until I've had my breakfast!" insisted Mr. Poe plodding into the kitchen with them.

Sunny was calling, "Winakpo! Vienmass! Shoot!" Which meant, 'The harpoon gun's gone! And someone's stolen my teething rings!'.

To substitute for the missing rings, Sunny was chewing Chubs' shoes which she had stolen from the closet a little earlier.

"Dear God, the gun!"

"What's all of this shouting?" asked Chubs as he stepped out of the bathroom, clean and dressed.

"The harpoon gun is missing!" Violet was crazed with fear, Duncan had to keep a firm hold on her so that she wouldn't explode with all of her shaking.

"Where's Isadora?" Chubs looked around. "Someone call me?" Isadora came out of her room, "I had to trash the roasted Twizzlers, they smelled like my Uncle Fred."

Duncan shuddered. He hated Uncle Fred.

"The gun's missing."

Isadora's eyes widened in fear, "What? Who? How?"

"We're all asking the same thing." said Chubs, taking her hand.

"Let's go downstairs. Maybe that Plot Twist fellow can help us." suggested Mr. Poe. The kids agreed. Violet picked up Sunny and they crowded into the elevator, Mr. Poe pressed the button for the lobby and they descended.

The lobby was deserted.

"Where the hell is everyone?" asked Isadora, exasperated.

"Let's try the dining room." suggested Duncan, "Perhaps we'll find them eating breakfast."

Indeed they did, the dining room housed a few people. Nero, Remora and Bass were sitting at one table in the corner, Sir and Charles at another and Frank, or perhaps Ernest, stood in the center of the room. They were relieved to find that Olaf and his ilk weren't about.

"Mr. Plot Twist," Violet began as they entered the room. Mr. Plot Twist, though, silenced them, "Shut up, brats and let me speak!"

The 'brats' silently sat at the nearest table. There was no room for Mr. Poe so he reluctantly sat at the little table in the far corner.

Mr. Plot Twist continued to everyone present, "Guests, as you can see, the snow is layed very thickly. The power is out for most of the city but the Hotel Plot Twist has its own reserve which should last us the next two days at least. I am Ernest Plot Twist and would like to tell you something."

"But you've already told us something about the electricity!" piped up Remora, who had a bruise the size of Kentuckey on his forehead. Bass was bald, I forgot to say; a result of their brawl of the previous night.

"SILENCE!" Ernest boomed, "Let me continue. My brother Frank, the other manager here, has dissapeared. I have had the staff search the hotel top to toe."

"Top to toe?" asked Charles, "Is that a real expression?"

"SILENCE!" Ernest boomed again, "Anyway we can't find my brother and there are also eight guests who aren't present." he paused and said, "Count Olaf and company. Anyone know where they are?"

Suddenly, the doors flew open and 'Boom, Boom, Pow' began to play in the background as Count Olaf, Esme, Carmelita and the five other henchfolk strode in, break dancing and acting like they owned the place.

The jaws of the children dropped in horror. Except for Sunny's, her chin was down in adoration of Olaf, her first love.

"G'morning Ernest!" greeted Olaf slapping the manager on the back while Reggie and Enya threw vacant tables about the room.

"Sorry we're late but we were all hungover. Big night, last night, I can tell you."

"Please sit down, Olaf." said Ernest. Olaf and his associates sat down.

"Have any of you seen my brother?" Ernest asked. "No. I speak for all of them when I say this because they're still rather groggy."

Ernest was about to reply when Olaf caught the eyes of the children, he gave them a little wave before realizing who they were, "MOTHER OF MERCY! ESME, WE'VE FOUND THEM!"

Esme perked up, "The children!"

They advanced on them, Sunny proceeded to jump on Olaf and kiss him veraciosly across the face.

"Liski! Doingo! Braksalar!" she cried, which meant, "I've missed you so! Don't leave me, I beg you!"

Esme was staring daggers at Olaf who turned to her, slapped her upside the face and said, "Esme, leave us be! Can't I have time with my old flame?" Esme looked at him like an animal enraged before stomping out of the room, dragging the still woozy Carmelita behind her.

"You've got some explaining to do, boss." remarked Fernald.

Nero said, "Oh, look! There's the man who posed as our Gym Teacher! Remember him?"

Bass grumbled, "I try not to."

Now there was the second scream of the day and in ran one of the hotel maids, an enormous woman named Martha.

"What's wrong, crazy lady?"stammered Fernald, drunkenly stroking her face with one of his hooks.

"I found Mr. Plot Twist!" she gasped.

"No shizzel, he's right here!" said Olaf, pointing at Ernest.

"Not that Mr. Plot Twist! The other Mr. Plot Twist! Frank!"

Ernest stepped in, "Where is he?"

"He's dead. I found him stuffed in the fourth floor toilet. There was something that had went through him. A spear or something."

"A harpoon!" gasped Chubs.

The group followed Martha into the Elevator to the fourth floor. Everyone that is, except for Sir who had insisted on staying to finish his eggs Benedict. Once there, they found the bloody corpse of Frank Plot Twist sprawled in the toilet, a harpoon through the chest.

"Dear God, how gruesome!" gagged Enya, clutching its chest and convulsing.

"What are you puking about?" asked Violet, "We all know you guys did it!"

"Nonsense!" cried Olaf, "I'd never kill someone!"

"Really?" posed Chubs, "What about Jacques Snicket, Elmira Hickingsvill, Cheif Elder Lawrence Petrovich, William Starloff, Lettie McPhee, Mabel Pierce and most importantly our parents?"

"Oh! Burn!" chorused the Prufrock Squad.

"Don't you start, you bratty rich kids!" snapped Flo, "We didn't do anything to that man!"

"You know what's surprising?" said Fernald after a short pause. "What?" asked everyone. He replied, "Ernest isn't affected at all even though his brother's mangled corpse in right in front of him!"

Indeed Ernest now had now turned his i-Pod up to high volume and was playing 'We Didn't Start the Fire' at ear-shattering frequency.

"Nophum!" cried Sunny suddenly, which meant, "Wait a second! Olaf's gone!"

"He must be fleeing the scene of the crime!" roared Duncan, leading the children back to the elevator.

Mr. Poe caughed and looked at Martha, "Wanna go get some chocolate from the lobby vending machine?"

"How kind of you!"

They were next to leave. Now Tocuna and Flo went off, chattering in hushed tones. They were followed by Fernald and Reggie who were discussing their favorite Indiana Jones film. The Prufrock Squad left next, leaving only Charles, Enya and Ernest standing outside the bathroom.

"I have to go to the Spa. I have a manicure scheduled!" Said Charles, and he too was gone.

Enya roared and carried Ernest away as:

THE CURTAIN FALLS

A/N: Did you like it? The Chapter title was based on 'The Shining' by Steven King because of the whole 'snowbound in the creepy hotel with a dead body in the bathroom' thing. Sunny seems to have, yet again, fallen for Olaf's charm. And where are Esme and Carmelita? And for that matter: WHERE THE DEVIL IS COUNT OLAF HIMSELF? Oh, and, on a somewhat related topic, how would you like if I published an actual murder-mystery fic? Feel free to answer in your review!

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6, Snowbound Story

Disclaimer: Christmas says we don't own anything. Take it up with him.

A/N: We begin our reverie with an important announcment: I GET OUT OF SCHOOL TOMMOROW! AND IT'S GONNA SNOW LIKE HELL TONIGHT. Were we are, at least. Plot Murderer #1 is pissed as me because he doesn't get out till the twenty-third which was the same with me until this year. We'd like to thank Gypsy Rosalie for her lovely review and we'd also like to get the story on the road!

The snow was still falling when the children trooped forlornly into the Presidential suite. They had been all over the hotel and had found neither hide nor hair of Count Olaf.

The three girls sat in the giant dressing room.

Violet was humming to herself and staring at a little picture that she had folded into her hand: a photo of her and Duncan, taken while they were at Prufrock Prep.

"Why are you so happy?" asked Isadora, who was moping under a pile of satin fabric.

"No reason!" chirped Violet. "Windago!" said Sunny sagly, which meant, 'You shouldn't be happy! We're snowbound with a killer. Again!'

"What's going on with you, anyway?" inquired Isadora. Violet answered, IN SONG!

I FEEL PRETTY {from 'West Side Story'}

Violet: I feel pretty! Oh, so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and gay!

Isadora: {speaking} Too much information, right there!

Violet: {singing} And I pity, any girl who isn't me today!

{she wraps a length of silk around herself and spins to stare at Sunny}

I feel charming!

Oh, so charming!

It's alarming how charming I feel!

And so pretty, that I hardly can believe I'm real!

{she dashes to a fashion mirror against the wall and points at it}

See the pretty girl in that mirror there?

Who can that attractive girl be?

{with increasing excitment}

Such a pretty face, such a pretty dress, such a pretty smile, such a pretty me!

Sunny: {speaking} Ziggo! {'Someone's too in love with herself!'}

Violet: {singing and striding around like a man on parade} I feel stunning and entracing!

{does a ballerina leap}

Feel like running and dancing for joy! For I'm loved by a pretty, wonderful boy!

{she throws off the satin and starts dancing around with a Japenese fan}

Sunny and Isadora: {in chorus} Have you met my good friend Violet?

The craziest girl on the block!

You'll know her the minute you see her!

She's the one who is in an advanced state of shock!

{Violet now drops the fan and dances energiectally around the room}

She thinks she's in love, she thinks she's in Spain!

She isn't in love, she's merely insane!

{Violet wraps a giant lace collar around her shoulders}

Keep away from her!

Send for Chubs!

This is not the Violet we know!

Modest and pure, polite and refined.

Well-bred and mature and out of her mind!

{Violet pops out from a dress rack wrapped in a pink kimono with a diamond-encrusted tiara on her head}

Violet: I feel pretty!

Oh, so pretty!

That the city should give me its key!

A commitee should be organized to honor me!

I feel dizzy!

I feel sunny!

Sunny: {speaking} Hey!

Violet: {singing} I feel fizzy and funny and fine!

And so pretty, Miss Snicket should just resign!

See the pretty girl in that mirror there?

Sunny and Isadora: What mirror, where?

Violet: Who can that attractive girl be?

Isadora: Which?

Sunny: What?

Isadora: Where?

Sunny: Whom?

Violet: Such a pretty face, such a pretty dress, such a pretty smile, such a pretty me!

Isadora: Such a pretty me!

Sunny: Pretty Me!

Violet, Isadora and Sunny: {harmony} I feel stunning! And entracing! Feel like running and dancing for joy! For I'm loved by a pretty, wonderful boy!

{they do a salsa around the room}

THE CURTAIN FALLS BUT THE CHAPTER'S ONLY JUST STARTED

"Pack your bags, Carmelita. We're leaving!" huffed Esme, shoving her enormous wardrobe into her seven Italian leather suitcases.

"Why?" asked Carmelita groggily, just waking up from her first hangover.

"Because your fake father, Olaf, is a cheating ass who chose a baby over me. Twice, if the gossip I've heard is true!"

"But we can't leave!" Carmelita protested, "The snow's lying so thick out there that we'd be buried in it before we left the grounds!"

"That's no way to talk to Dirty Bastard's sixth most important double-crossing whore! Now pack your damn bag!"

Before Carmelita could do anything, however, there was a knock on the door.

"Come in!" called Esme, annoyed.

The door opened and Ernest walked in, red in the face and gasping for breath.

"What's wrong with you, cakesniffer?" asked Carmelita casually. Ernest replied, "You're the only ones who don't know yet. Frank, my brother, has been killed with a harpoon in the toilet on the fourth floor!"

Carmelita grimaced, "Ew!" though Esme was unfazed, "Lovely. Did he tell you where they had hidden the Chamber Pot?"

"Shh! I didn't kill him, someone else did! The phones are all dead and we're cut off from civilization. The Chamber Pot is second priority now!"

Esme slapped him like the crazy bimbo she was, "Don't you dare say that! Now listen to me and listen well, Ernest Plot Twist! You are going to find the Chamber Pot before anyone else does. You will not give it to Olaf or any of his lackys. You will give it to me! And if you don't cooporate, I will kill you."

"Of-of course, Miss Squalor. Anything you say."

"And if you find it quickly enough, I might let you see my bedroom." she winked suggestivly and Ernest instantly perked up.

In the midst of the gross seduction, Carmelita managed to scramble out of the room.

She had to improvise, and FAST!

"What flavor do you like?" Mr. Poe inquired of Martha. They were gathered around the little group of vending machines in the back of the Lobby.

"Oh, anything will do!" she giggled, she had never been alone with a man before, so this was like being in heaven.

"Well then, I'll get you my personal favorite. Chocolate with nuts! I love nuts!"

Martha's face dropped suddenly, "Oh. So you go that way. And I was thinking of asking you to dinner when this was all over."

Mr. Poe blanched, this woman had misunderstood him!

"No, no, Martha! I-I'm straght a-as your remarkably slender legs!"

Martha's legs were as thick as gorilla thighs but Mr. Poe's flirt enchanted her immediatly.

"Are you married, Mr. Poe?"

"Please, call me Arthur. And yes, I am, but rather, no, I'm not. My current wife is in an all-out divorce battle. She wants my sons, I want my sons, she threatened to steal my sons. The usual such-and-such. I'm just put out that my sons spent Christmas without me. No one to share Poe Custard with. No one to hug."

Mr. Poe burst into tears. "Oh, don't cry, Arthur!" implored Martha, "Please, please, don't cry!"

"H-hold me, please!"

The two embraced, a sad embrace. But full of warmth and other things that are fuzzy and etc. etc.

"How can this be?" exclaimed Sir, "A man murdered? And right here in the hotel! Why, it's the absolute freakiest thing to happen since Shakes got high at my 22nd birthday party!"

Charles hopped up and down and flapped his wrists about as he said, "But it's true, blue! That hideous maid found him shoved in the toilet on the fourth floor!"

"Charles, ring up room service! Tell them I wish for a glass of brandy with a side of foie gras and crackers!"

"But I can't ring up room service! The phones are all dead because of the snow!"

"Then go down to the Kitchen and tell them to their faces!"

"Okay!" squeeled Charles as he waddled out of the room.

"Little twerp!" muttered Sir once he had gone.

Duncan and Chubs sat across from each other in the main room of the Presidential suite. They had not heard the girl's musical interlude and were unaware of Violet's bubbly 'prettiness'.

There was a knock on the door.

"Who is it, now?" wondered Duncan, opening the doors revealing the person he wanted to see least in the whole world: Carmelita Spats.

"You?" he burst out, shocked. He had known his former girlfriend was staying at the Hotel but he hadn't expected her to come marching up to him with tears in her eyes and the smell of strawberry passion conditioner emitting from her hair.

"Can you save me?" she asked feebly, collapsing into his arms.

Chubs was watching this from the couch, "What in the name of firey blazes was that about?"

"I don't know," replied Duncan, puzzled, "I think she's dead!"

Chubs went over and examined her, "She's not dead, she's fainted. Something's up. Something devious."

"I think that was made clear when we found the manager stuffed in the loo."

Chubs told Duncan to shut up and went to fetch smelling salts for Carmelita.

"Nero! Where's Bass?" asked Remora bursting out of the bathroom to where Nero was sitting and reading. He was on _Deathly Hallows_ by now and was glued to the couch.

"I don't know. Leave me alone!"

"Very well, I'll find it myself!" Remora stormed out of the suite.

Left to his own devices, Nero continued to read until: SPOILER ALERT!

HEDWIG WAS DEAD!

"NO!" Nero cried to the heavens, "DAMN YOU, GENERIC DEATH EATER!"

Charles stepped out of the Elevator. He approached the Kitchens so as to demand Sir's snack. On the way, he passed through the Dining Room and on the ceiling he saw something most unpleasent.

Mr/Mrs. Bass was strung from the ceiling light fixture from a length of rope that had been tied into a noose. He/She was most certainly dead. Charles screamed bloody murder and collapsed on his knees.

He could've sworn he saw a shadow slink off into the Kitchen.

A/N: Hope it pleased you! I'm a giant West Side Story fanatic and I taught seeing as we're experimenting with Violet and Duncan in this story we might as well have her sing a song about him! A reminder that all song lyrics can be found on our profile. Yes, Bass is dead. How tragic, no? But who is doing this? If you're thinking the most obvious answer then you are wrong! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!:O

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7, The Phantom of the Hotel

Disclaimer: Do we really need one of these anymore?

A/N: Sorry, sorry, sorry, **sorry**! We are so sorry for not getting to update before Christmas but the family took a bit of a spontenous overnight trip to the other family where the internet is so slow it takes twenty minutes to load g-mail. I AM SPOILED! That is why, we are updating three chapters this week. One for Christmas, one for New Year's and one for this week. We'd like to thanks gypsy rosalie for reviewing and Laura Scofeild for reviewing the previous two books. To answer your remarks, Laura: the chapters are long because I just need to cram information into stuff. I also feel the reader needs a bit of something lentghy given there's a one week wait, at least, for updates. As for the remark on outside refrences, I don't think they're going to be leaving any time soon! Thanks so much for your constructive criticism and we must away!

The first to respond to Charles' girlish screams were, in this order: Ernest, Mr. Poe, Martha, Sir, Nero, Remora, Esme, Reggie, Flo, Tocuna, Enya, Fernald, Violet, Isadora, Sunny, Chubs, Duncan and Carmelita.

"Dear God! Bass!" wailed Remora, "And I was so cruel to him or her!"

Nero made a soft remark, "How tragic." and dropped the subject entirely so he could get back to his inner wailing about Hedwig's death.

"Another of us murdered!" groaned Martha, clutching Mr. Poe's shoulder for support, "What will we do?"

"Wait a second!" Ernest interrupted her, "Where are the rest of the staff?"

Indeed, Martha was the only hotel employee in the room.

"They have to be here somewhere." trailed off Flo, throwing open the Kitchen door as she said this. Inside the Kitchen were a pile of bodies, dead as clean foot shavings.

Everyone screamed and Martha fainted.

"They were gassed!" gasped Chubs after examining the room and the corpses.

"Eww! You mean someone farted on them?" gagged Carmelita.

"No, they were killed with poison gas, released through those airvents!" Chubs pointed at the ventalation grates in the wall.

"T-then someone is bent on mass murder!" realized old Reggie the Bean.

"No wonder." remarked Esme drily.

"Why, it's a phenomonon," said Sir, "as the idiot Shakes would put it, of the Invisible Killer!"

"Like a Phantom, almost!" said Isadora. "Yes!" gasped off Duncan, "The Phantom of the Hotel."

They decided to move Frank and Bass into the kitchen with the other bodies, keep things nice and orderly, you know.

The group seperated, more frightened then they had ever been in their lives.

The children sat once more in the main room of the Presidential suite.

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it?" Violet began, "The Phantom's Olaf. He's hiding somewhere. Why else would he dissapear at the very moment we discovered Frank's body?"

"Maybe he wanted to redirect suspicion from himself to someone else!" suggested Isadora, "But who?"

"You mean 'whom', dear sister." corrected Duncan, Isadora slapped him.

"Gleebo!" insisted Sunny, which meant, 'Olaf wouldn't do anything like that!'

"Of course he would, Sunny." sighed Violet, exasperated, "He killed everyone except us and Esme at Crapshack Manor, remember?"

"Soyso!" shreiked Sunny, which meant, "That means nothing!" she hurriedly crawled away, out of the room.

"She's got a bee in her bonnet, that one." muttered Chubs once she had left.

Sunny used the stairwell so that she could roll downstairs in peace. Upon entering the narrow and smelly staircase she heard a voice: a voice singing beutiful music.

"Olaf!" gasped Sunny, following the music.

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA {From, well, 'The Phantom of the Opera'}

{Sunny, whom I have replaced with vocalist extraordinary, Sarah Brightman for the song as Sunny can't speak English yet, follows the music back up the stairs as she sings}

Sunny: In sleep he bit for me. In dreams he came.

That voice which calls to me, and speaks my name.

And do I dream again?

For now I find:

The PHANTOM OF THE HOTEL is there, inside my mind.

{Sunny reaches the top landing of the stairs where there is a metal ladder going up to a heavy trapdoor in the ceiling}

Olaf: {heard in the background} Bite once again with me! Our strange duet. My power over you, grows stronger yet.

And though you turn from me, to glance behind:

The PHANTOM OF THE HOTEL is there, inside your mind!

{Sunny climbs the ladder and opens the trapdoor, suddenly, Esme appears on the stairs carrying a long butcher's knife in her hand, she arrives on the landing just in time to see Sunny vanish through the trapdoor}

Esme: My darling pimp, you will suffer!

For now, your whore is here!

INSIDE YOUR MIND!

{she climbs the ladder after Sunny, we now see what is beyond the trapdoor: the inner workings of the giant clock inset in the lobby ceiling, spinning gears, turning cogs and lots of loud and annoying noises abound, a figure in a black cloak and hat emerges from the shadows to greet Sunny, it is Olaf, who is wearing a white mask that covers half of his face}

Sunny: {caressing Olaf's face} Those who have seen your face, draw back in fear. I am the mask you wear.

Olaf: It's me they hear!

{he helps her onto a spinning cog and they hold hands during the next lines}

Olaf and Sunny: My spirit and your teeth, in one combined.

The PHANTOM OF THE HOTEL is there, INSIDE OUR MINDS!

{Esme looks through the trapdoor and hurries back down, shouting}

Esme: It's the Phantom of the Hotel! Beware the Phantom of the Hotel!

{Olaf and Sunny turn at the sound of the cry but are too late to see Esme's retreat, the song commences}

Olaf: In all your fantasies, you always knew, that man and mystery...

Sunny: {finishing for him} Were both in you!

Olaf and Sunny: And in this labrynith, where night is blind. The PHANTOM OF THE HOTEL is there, inside our minds!

Olaf: Bite, my Angel of Molars!

Sunny: He's there, the Phantom of the Hotel!

{bites random things}

Olaf: Bite, my Angel!

Sunny: {bites more random things}

Olaf: Bite for Me!

Sunny: {bites even more random things}

Olaf: Bite, my Angel! Bite!

Sunny: {bites enough random things to last here till next Thanksgiving}

Olaf and Sunny: The PHANTOM! The PHANTOM!

{Olaf and Sunny embrace heartily}

THE CURTAIN FALLS, BUT WE'VE STILL GOT A LOT OF THE CHAPTER TO GO

"Okay, Carmelita." Violet began, "Explain."

They had brought Carmelita back to the suite to have her say why she had come in the first place. She would've explained earlier but she had fainted and then Charles had screamed over Bass' body.

"Well, Esme's lost it!"

"When did she 'have it' in the first place?" asked Isadora sarcastically. Carmelita went on, ignoring her, "She wants to find this thing called the Chamber Pot."

"But there are convenient bathrooms all over the hotel!" said Chubs. "I don't think she wants to _use_ a Chamber Pot. She wants what's inside it."

"Ewwwwwwwwwww!" gagged Violet.

"I don't mean it like that! She's bribing the Ernest guy, the manager, to find it. That's why Olaf wanted to come here in the first place. He had wanted the Chamber Pot for something. He said there was something in it that could change history as we know it."

"That must be why Kit sent us here!" realized Duncan, "Both ZYK and the enemy are looking for the same thing!"

"I guess so." sighed Carmelita, "But I don't want to be an enemy anymore! Esme's crazy and Olaf's probably going to murder us all so I really don't see the need to stay with the cakesniffers any longer!"

"That's the spirit!" cheered Duncan, patting Carmelita on the back. Violet gave him a look and he quieted down.

Duncan gave Violet a feeble smile and said, "Right! We've got to find..."

Suddenly there was a cry, "The Phantom of the Hotel! Beware the Phantom of the Hotel!"

"That's Esme's voice!" gasped Carmelita.

"Quick, hide!" said Duncan, pushing her into the closet and locking the door.

Esme burst into the room through the stairwell door as Sunny hadn't locked it on her way out.

"There you are." she cackled, "You're in for it now!"

"What do you mean?" asked Violet, not too kindly, "I mean that I've just seen your baby brat singing and dancing upstairs with the Phantom of the Hotel: my ex!"

"When did you break up, again?" asked Isadora, "We unofficially broke up at breakfast. He slapped me and kissed the baby! And now, they're in cahoots! I shall inform the others at once!" She spun on her heel and triumphantly marched back down the stairs.

"What a little..."

"Whore." finished Duncan for his sister, "We want to keep our T rating!"

"Stop breaking the fourth wall, Duncan!" I screamed from my desk in the third dimension.

"Okay." said Duncan feebly.

"We've got to do something!" started Violet, "Sunny's so stupid sometimes, God knows what Olaf might be doing to her!"

"Tea, Sunny, darling?" asked Olaf, standing over his little hot plate.

"Tea!" said Sunny, which meant, "Of course, baby. I always take mine with sugar!"

Olaf now paused to begin his long, ranting monologue, "Sunny, I'd like to tell you my story."

"Do!" shrieked Sunny, eagerly, which meant, "I'd love to here it!"

"Very well. Doubtless, Kit Snicket has already told you about ZYK. Am I correct?"

"Yeah."

"They're a ramshackle bunch, those lot! They kidnap babies and train them to read books, and be cryptic and use an unesecerally large vocabulary. I was one of those babies."

"For true?" gasped Sunny, which meant, "No way!"

"Yes way, as were your parents. And the Snicket triplets."

"Triplets?" inquired Sunny, which meant, "I thought there were just two!"

"There are two now. The triplets were Jacques, whom you knew breifly and was killed by me. Well, Esme actually killed him but I orchestrated the affair. There were also Kit, whom you met and Lemony."

"Lemony!" which meant, "The ruler of our world?"

"Yes, he's writing these events down right now, as we speak!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Wait! Don't panic just yet! Let me finish first. ZYK had its own school where the abducted children learnt things. The Snickets and I were in the same class along with the Plot Twist triplets."

"Triplets?" said Sunny again, "But I taught Frank and Ernest were twins!"

"No. There was a third Plot Twist brother. Dewey. We made fun of Frank and Dewey very much. Dewey who was so bookish and nerdy. Kit liked him. I was so damn pissed off when she kissed him in the shadow of the locker room! Frank was a timid beast, rumored to be hiding in his closet, if you know what I mean. We tortured the hell out of him, head in the toilet, feet up his britches and all that."

"Edwood!" said Sunny, "Cut to the chase, please!"

"If you insist. The most confidential of the ZYK Archives contained information that held the very balance of the world, the faith of mankind! Of course, I never saw it. Few did. It was safe in the Archives for years until the train."

"Train?" questioned Sunny, which meant, "A train? This story's getting more stupid by the second!"

"It'll start making sense presently! I ran the ZYK Headquarters in the Dandruff Mountains down with a giant freight train, the same way I killed your parents. Ernest helped me, as did a few other ZYK members who were fed up with the goody two shoes way of life. We wanted the Chamber Pot. But no! Somehow it rolled over the courtyard and into the Swervy Stream where it flowed into the sea."

"Huh?" asked Sunny, which meant, "But if it was thrown into the sea why are you looking for it at this hotel?"

"Rumor has it that Dewey Plot Twist found it, and without telling anyone, hid it in this building. Ernest and Frank locked him away, hoping he'd tell them where it was. He never spoke of it."

"Dewey?" which meant, "Is the bookworm still here?"

"Assuredly he is. Doing what, I cannot say. My associates and I came here to find Dewey. If we find him, we find the Chamber Pot."

"Frank, Bass, Staff?" said Sunny, which meant, "If you didn't kill all of those people, who did?"

"Dewey, no doubt. We're all here for the same thing. Ernest and Frank wanted the Chamber Pot for their own means, those idiot teachers learned about it by searching the papers left in my old desk at their school, the migit and his partner have been searching for it since time began and of course, you children and that humogorous banker were sent here by ZYK."

"Screw ZYK!" hurrumphed Sunny, which meant, "Forget them, love! I want to help you. They all think you're the killer!"

"Thank you, Sunny. What should we do? We're snowbound and things don't look very good for escape. Wait! How did you children escape when you were snowbound last time?"

"Poe." said Sunny drily, which meant, "Mr. Poe came along with a flying reindeer sleigh."

"Excellant! Where is it?"

"Sausgepot." sighed Sunny, which meant, "The cops shot us down and the sleigh blew up."

"Damn! But, perhaps Poe knows how to make another one!"

"Genius!" cheered Sunny.

"Come, my darling." Olaf was excited, "We have a fatass to catch!"

A/N: And so, the kidnapping spree begins! I love the Phantom of the Opera and I thought it was perfect for Sunny and Olaf to sing the title song!

Coming up next: Olaf and Sunny cause more mayhem and madness while more songs are sung and I go to the bakery to get me a scone and coffee.

Update Should Already by Up, as a Matter of Fact!:)


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8, Kidnapping, Inventions, Death, Singing and Shiny Knives

Disclaimer: There is no reason to reiterate anymore.

A/N: This is gonna be a long one. I'd like to remind the readers that the lyrics to all the songs featured in this story will be listed and linked on our profile.

Martha had invited Mr. Poe to the employee lounge for, since she was the only employee left, she was at liberty to do whatever the hell she wanted.

"I want to thank you, Arthur." she began, switching on the coffee pot.

"For what?" Asked Mr. Poe before bursting into yet another random caughing fit.

"For saving my life."

"How did I save your life, again?"

"You kept me away from the other employes! While the Phantom lured them to their deaths, we were together at the vending machines! You did save me!"

Mr. Poe blushed and pawed the ground with his foot, "Well, I suppose then that I did save you!"

"Yes, you did!" The two giggled like five year olds for a moment before Mr. Poe coughed again and said, "Excuse, me darling. I have to use the 'nessecery'."

"It's right down the hall."

Mr. Poe ran out of the room, hacking up pleghm.

Martha sighed to herself, "Oh, Arthur!"

YOU FELL OUT OF THE SKY {From 'Something's Afoot}

{Note: throughout the song, Martha dances around the room seductivly, she's so ugly that people might have minor heart attacks when watching her toy with her skirt}

Martha: Who could've believed it could happen? That a dream could come true with such ease? Like Orpheus out of the Underworld and Neptune out of the seas!

You fell out of the sky and suddenly Cupid aimed his arrow and shot me, got me! My blues bid me goodbye the moment that you fell out of the sky!

{suddenly, a hatch slides aside in the ceiling and a small chandelier on a long chain descends through it, Olaf, still in his ridiculous Phantom outfit, is clinging to the chain}

Olaf: {whispering, through the hatch} A little careful, Sunny.

{throughout the rest of the Song, the chandelier moves back and forth of the room with Olaf trying fruitlessly to grab Martha}

Martha: {singing} You fell out of the sky! While searching for mucus to use, you started to tease me! Please me!

I knew instantly why:

The reason was you fell out of the sky!

{Olaf swings by and comes close to catching Martha, she doesn't notice and Olaf flails}

Olaf: {shouting} Blasted furnaces of hell!

Martha: {singing, ignoring everything Olaf is doing} My heart is pounding madly!

{pounds chest}

It beats a wild tattoo!

{claps hands in rythem} Explosions roar inside me! Insisting I love you! I love you!I love you. True, how can I deny? When I'm thinking of you with me it would never be tragic, it's magic! I do. Here's my reply:

Thank heaven that YOU FELL OUT OF THE SKY!

{The chandelier moves to a position directly above Martha and Olaf catches her by the wrists}

Olaf: {speaking, triumphantly} I've got you now, you fatass!

Martha: {calling} Help! Arthur, please!

{the chandlier begins moving back up through the hatch, Olaf and the chandlier itself move back through rather easily but Martha gets stuck in the hatch so her chubby legs are dangling over the room, Mr. Poe enters}

Mr. Poe: Good Lord! I'll save you Martha!

{he grabs onto Martha's legs and tries to pull her down}

I can see your underoos!

Martha: Save me!

Olaf: {heard within} Darling, reel us up!

{now, Martha and Mr. Poe, with some difficulity due to their enormousness, dissapear through the hatch which seals behind them}

THE CURTAIN FALLS, BUT THIS CHAPTER IS GOING TO BE UNCOMMONLY LONG

"Where is Olaf? That is the question of the day! Where is Olaf?" said Fernald for the millionenth time that day, slamming his hook down on the foozball table in the game room. The other four of Olaf's henchfolk were gathered around, listening promptly.

"Olaf's killing everyone, no doubt about that!" remarked Tocuna, lighting a cigarette.

"Oh, that's really thinking outside the box!" said Reggie sarcastically.

"Leave her alone! She was dropped on her head at birth!" cut in Flo.

"I was not!"

"You were too!"

"Was not!"

"Were too!"

"WAS NOT!"

"WERE TOO!"

"SILENCE YOU IDIOTS!" roared Enya, "WE MUST STAY ON THE TASK AT HAND! FINDING OLAF!"

"What if he's already found the Chamber Pot?" mused Flo worridly, "And he's left without us?"

"How could he leave? There's snow stacked up eight feet high over the whole city!" said Reggie, exasperated.

"He's Olaf, I'm sure he'll think of something!"

Back inside the clock, Sunny was pulling the winch that hoisted the little chandlier through the hatch.

There were countless such devices on hand in the Clock and Olaf had taken the time to learn what each one did.

It had been his idea to capture both Mr. Poe and Martha. That way if Poe refused to cooperate they could threaten him by putting his hideous lady friend in danger.

Sunny grunted with effort as the chandlier came to the surface of the hatch, Olaf standing on it. He was grabbing the wrists of Martha and Mr. Poe was grabbing her ankles.

The latter two were covered in grime from the sides of the hatch; they were both so fat that they retained all of the dirt from the walls they had been dragged against.

"What is the meaning of this?" mumbled Mr. Poe before promptly passing out.

"Oh, dear." muttered Martha, backing away from the masked Olaf.

"Silence!" he hissed, he turned to Sunny, "Darling, grab the knife!"

"Roger!" said Sunny, giving her beloved the salute. 'Roger' by the way, means, "Ackroyd!"

Sunny crawled over Olaf's trusty pile of various crap and seized his rusty and menacing knife which she gave to Olaf, who proceeded to hold Martha with one hand while placing the knife's sharp edge against her throat. Not enough to harm her, but enough to shut her up.

"Now, dear Margret." he began only to have Martha cut him off, "I'm Martha."

"Whatever. You will do as the baby and I say or else we shall slit your throat and that will indeed be most unpleasent for you."

Martha gulped and quieted down.

"Zeeb!" said Sunny, which meant, "Poe's waking up!"

"Quickly! Get in position!"

Sunny's 'position' was to stand in front of Mr. Poe with her teeth bared like a wild beast of Borneo.

Mr. Poe stirred groggly and the first thing he saw once he was out of his stupor was Sunny slobering at the mouth and hissing like a wildcat.

"Heavens!" he exclaimed, "Sunny! What? Where? When? How? Cheese?" he coughed again and then noticed Martha ,Olaf and the knife.

"Silence, Poe." said Olaf.

"Count Olaf! I've found you!"

"No, we found you. Now, you will do what I say or your disgusting excuse for a woman gets it!"

"Help me, Arthur!" wailed Martha.

"Martha! I shall save you!"

"Well, if you want to save her, you idiot, then you will do as I command!"

"Then, what do you command?" asked Mr. Poe.

Olaf began, "Dear Sunny has told me that you, her, and those disgusting brats came to this city in a flying reindeer sleigh."

"Yes, we did but it was shot down."

"Sunny told me. Where did you get this sleigh?"

"At Macy's, there was only one left in stock. I wanted to wish the children Merry Christmas and all fleights into the Dandruff Mountains were closed. That sleigh was the only way. Heh, I made a rhyme!"

"Hmph." hmphed Olaf, "If we can't get one, then we will have to make one. Do you know anyone who could make one for us?"

Mr. Poe thought for a moment before saying, "Violet is quite the inventor."

"Shleeb!" said Sunny, which meant, "I could have told him that!"

"Excellant!" mused Olaf, "Poe, you will lure Violet here so that we can make her invent! Do it well and don't blab lest I cut your woman."

Martha whimpered again and Mr. Poe dashed down the ladder and out of the clock.

Violet heard a knock at the suite's back door. On opening it she saw Mr. Poe looking more disheveled then she had ever seen him. His top hat was askew, his necktie was loose and he was coated in grime from head to foot.

"Mr. Poe! Where the hell have you been?" said Violet, and for good measure, "You look like crap!"

"I have discovered things! Where are the others?"

"Isadora's glued to the coach watching 'New Moon'. She's been gawking at Taylor Lautner for an hour. It isn't pretty. Duncan and Chubs are exploring the hotel and Sunny, well, Sunny I'm not sure about her." Violet remembered what Esme had said about Sunny being alone with Olaf.

"I know where Sunny is!" said Mr. Poe excitedly, "She is with Count Olaf, who is the Phantom of the Hotel! He has kidnapped her!"

Violet blanched, Esme had said nothing about Sunny being kidnapped! Violet had just assumed that Sunny had gone to Olaf willingly.

"Where is she?" Violet struggled to keep her tone normal. "Come with me!" And Mr. Poe dashed up the stairs.

Violet sighed, Mr. Poe was so vague sometimes.

She followed him up the next fleight of stairs to a landing with a caged off set of steps, which must have been the staff entrance to the rooftop nightclub, as well as a ladder leading up through a trapdoor.

"Hurry! Hurry!" called Mr. Poe, climbing the ladder.

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Said Violet hurrying up the ladder after him.

Once through the trapdoor, Violet found herself to be inside of the giant clock in the lobby. The spinning gears and cogs, as well as the various other noisy pieces greatly interested Violet's inventive-ness-es-miss.

Mr. Poe appeared from the shadows holding Sunny. The only problem was that Sunny's hands were bound together with heavy black elastics and her mouth was gagged with a length of masking tape.

"Mr. Poe! You found her. Why is she all tied up?"

Mr. Poe looked more miserable then ever as another figure stepped forward: Count Olaf,wearing his black cloak and hat as well as his white half mask.

"Olaf!" began Violet, trying to sound herioc, "We've found you! Now, hand over Sunny and Mr. Poe!"

"Oh, but I can't hand over Mr. Poe." he said, amused, "You see, he's working for me now and he's lured you to my lair! Your baby brat is my prisoner and I will kill her if you don't do as I command! Poe, deposit the baby with the other captive!"

"Very well, sir." mumbled Mr. Poe, ashamed, he walked over to a heavy steel cage that Violet had not noticed earlier. In the cage sat Mr. Poe's maid lover, Martha. She, like Sunny, was bound in elastic and gagged with masking tape. Mr. Poe unlatched the cage and gently placed Sunny down next to Martha before locking the cage once again.

Olaf continued, "Mr. Poe is in the same situation that you're in, girl. You are both like constipated old men. If one were to put Fiber One cereal behind a constipated old man and an Enema in front of him, he will move towards the Enema because he wants the reward of relief and away from the Fiber One because he doesn't want the punishment of intestinal blockage. You will do as I say because you do not want the punishment of losing your loved ones..."

"Alright, alright!" gasped Violet, irritated, "What do you want me to do?"

Olaf smiled, "You are to build a flying reindeer sleigh similar to the one you lot used to get to this city. Oh, and you must be quick about it! My escape must be quick and unnoticed."

Violet sighed, she didn't really want to help this creepy pervert but she didn't want her sister to die either.

Violet took her trusty ribbon out of her pocket and tied her hair into a ponytail, to keep it out of her eyes. "Okay." she sighed, "I'm going to need all of the strip poles from the rooftop nightclub, the buffet table from the dining room, four prophane tanks from the supply closet and two packs of Mentos."

"Poe will get those for you." said Olaf curtly, "Hurry along Poe, I'd like to escape by nightfall."

Mr. Poe gave a quick bow and moved toward the Trapdoor, Olaf stopped him before he left.

"Oh, and Poe. Remember, if you try to weazel out of this, then I shall kill your maid." He fingered the blade of his knife as he said this and Mr. Poe dashed through the Trapdoor.

It was very difficult for a man of the pyshical flabbiness of Mr. Poe to aquire the pieces for Violet's invention.

First he went to the rooftop nightclub and unhinged all seven of the strip poles with his little flathead screwdriver. He lugged these back to the clock before going down to the dining room and dragging the buffet table up the stairs. Then he took four rusty prophane tanks from the supply closet and nearly destroyed the whole hotel when he dropped one of them. Getting the Mentos was the easiest task as he already had some stuffed in his trousers for reasons best left to himself. Mr. Poe climbed the ladder back into the clock, lugging the propane tanks in his arms. He set these down beside the strip poles and buffet table and set the Mentos alongside those.

Violet had been going through the maintenence kits she had found amongst the gears. She was donned in a heavy leather apron and gloves and held a welding mask in one hand and a welding torch in the other; she looked like a mad welding torch killer but perhaps that was the idea.

"Well, now that we have everything," began Olaf, cracking his knuckles, "get to work, girl!"

Violet sighed and started to work among her weird assortmant of materials.

Ernest had assembled everyone in the lobby where he had also assembled a raised dais that supported a piano and podium.

It was growing dark now and the snow still showed no signs of stopping.

"I thought it would be nice," Ernest said, once enough of them were there; those present were: Chubs, Duncan, Isadora, Carmelita, Esme, Flo, Tocuna, Reggie, Fernald, Enya, Nero, Remora, Sir and Charles, "if we had a bit of a musical interlude to calm us down as it seems!"

"I am an expert at the violin!" said Nero, excitedly, "Perhaps I could lend my music and Remora could play the piano?"

"Hurrah!" cheered Remora. The two school masters took their places at the instruments.

"Anyone want to sing?" asked Ernest.

Chubs and Isadora looked at each other and smiled before dashing onto the dais at the podium.

The music began to play and we begin a song that is not from a musical but rather, from the collection of Italian songs that make you cry.

CON TE PARTIRO {As sung by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman}

Isadora: When I'm alone, I look out on the horizon and words fail. Yes, I know there is no light in a room where the sun in absent, if you are not with me! At the windows, I show everyone my heart which you set alight! Enclose within me the light you encountered on the street!

Time to say goodbye!

I'll go with you to countries I never SAW AND EXPIERENCED WITH YOU!

Now, yes, I shall expierence them. I'll go with you on ships across seas which I know, no, no, exist no longer!

With you I shall expierence them!

It's time to say goodbye!

Chubs: {in the voice of an expert tenor} When you are far away, I dream out on the horizon and words fail.

And, yes, I know that you are with me;

you, my moon, are here with me,

my sun, you are here with me.

Time to say goodbye!

I'll go with you to countries I never

saw and shared with you.

Now, yes, I shall experience them.

I'll go with you on ships across seas which, I know, no, no, exist no longer; with you I shall experience them again.

I'll go with you on ships across the seas

which, I know, no, no, exist no longer;

with you I shall experience them again.

I'll go with you. I with you.

Isadora and Chubs: {harmony} TIME TO SAY GOODBYE! I'LL GO WITH YOU TO COUNTRIES I NEVER SAW AND EXPIERENCED WITH YOU! NOW I WILL EXPIERENCE THEM WITH YOU!

{there is great applause}

THE CURTAIN FALLS, BUT EVEN THOUGH THE CHAPTER SEEMS TO GO ON FOREVER, WE'VE STILL GOT A LITTLE BIT LEFT TO GO

Back in the clock, Violet had finally finished her tinkering. She had welded the strip poles into an intricate web of metal rods that supported the now leg-less table. She had affixed the propane tanks to each corner of the table with lengths of elastic and was opening the packs of Mentos.

"What exactly are you doing with all this?" mused Olaf, who was leaning against the cage in which Martha and Sunny were bound and gagged. By the by, Mr. Poe was half asleep, sprawled out on the floor.

"I've made you a rocket sled." Violet said tiredly, "It should get you out of here pretty fast. All I have to do is slit the propane tanks and put the Mentos in to give the sled power. I suggest you climb onto the table."

"Excellant!" said Olaf triumphantly, and when Violet turned around to face him she blanched. Olaf had released, unbound and ungagged Sunny. And the little baby was in his arms baring her teeth at her.

"Sunny?" trailed off Violet, horrified and shocked. "Menomo!" cackled Sunny, which meant, "I've been in on it all along, you idiot!"

"Sunny is quite right." said Olaf, "She was a marvelous actress in a play performed for your benifit. Mr. Poe did a passeble job but he's been asleep for the last hour so he merits nothing."

The crazy Phantom leapt onto the rocket sled, Sunny in his arms and commanded Violet, "Now, light this fire!"

He sounded horribly corny and looked incredibly stupid to boot but Violet did as she was told.

Luckily, she had never intended to follow through on her promise to Olaf. The device she had constructed was just a big hunk of metal with a wooden slab on top of it. The propane tanks, though, and the Mentos were key. Once she slit the tanks and inserted the Mentos, there would be enough mayhem to manage to escape and get help.

Violet had planned to rescue Sunny in the confusion but seeing as Sunny was now siding with Olaf, Violet didn't see how she could help her dreadfully misguided sister.

Using a pen, Violet slit each of the tanks open and, moving quickly before too much gas could escape, dumped the little candies into each slit.

The resulting chaos was, well, chaotic. The tanks spun off of the sled, spewing gas everyewhere. They crashed into the spinning gears and cogs, knocking some loose. The gears clattered and clanged about, creating much danger.

Mr. Poe awoke from his slumber with a start and with an exclamation of, "Great God in Heaven!" he started running and ducking about like everyone else.

Sunny was crawling around, nearly getting wacked by the tanks and gears that were all flying around and looking for Olaf in all the madness.

Olaf himself, was running around with a length of elastic in his hand, striking out at random things and hoping to catch Violet or Mr. Poe.

Violet was slowly but steadily making her way to the trapdoor. That is, if she could find it in all the confusion.

Martha sat in the cage, her hands and feet bound with elastic and her mouth gagged with tape. She just hoped none of the huge flying projectiles came to her.

Mr. Poe finally came to his senses and remembered that this was the perfect chance to rescue Martha. He carefully made his way to the cage and undid the lock with one of his patented 'Poe-Tips'. Poe-Tips were just Q-Tips that Mr. Poe carried around in case they could help him on his travels. This was the first time in five years that they had come in handy.

He quickly unfastened the elastics binding Martha's hands and feet and peeled off the masking tape that gagged her. "Oh, Arthur!" sobbed Martha, collapsing gratefully in his arms.

"Let's get out of here!" said Mr. Poe, taking her by the hand and leading her towards where he believed the trapdoor was.

All of this takes time to describe. In reality, everything from the Mentos being slipped into the tanks to Martha's rescue only took about a minute.

Now, a giant whirring gear soared into the metal web that Violet had constructed as a decoy. The entire structure collapsed into a steel disk inset in the floor: the clock.

Back in the lobby, the applause for Chubs' and Isadora's rendition of 'Con Te Partiro' was just ending.

The couple, as well as Remora and Nero took their bows on the dais as Ernest joined them.

"That was absolutly magnifecent!" praised Ernest, "I've not heard that song song more beutifully since..."

But he never got to finish his sentence, for at that moment, in the clock, the buffett table mounted on metal rods crashed through the face of the clock itself.

The heavy contraption hurtled toward the ground, surrounded by huge chunks of the clock.

There were screams as everyone dashed to cling to the walls.

"Come, darling!" commanded Chubs, seizing Isadora's hand and leaping off of the dais with her.

The other three weren't as lucky, for the hail of debris crushed the platform, killing Ernest, Nero, and Remora, before they could bring their bodies to respond to the danger.

"What the hell's going on here?" roared Sir, nearly swallowing his pipe.

"I'm frightened!" wailed Charles clutching the nearest object for support: Esme's cleavage.

"Get your hands off of me!" snarled Esme, slapping his hand.

From the hole in the ceiling where the clock once was, came an inhuman roar, "TREACHERY!"

"That was Olaf's voice!" cried Fernald.

"Stay back!" cautioned Duncan, leaping against the wall.

Olaf's voice continued to echo throughout the room, "YOU INSOLENT LITTLE GIRL! TO THINK THAT YOU COULD SABOTAGE MY PLANS?"

There was a woman's scream and the sound of someone being struck.

"Violet's up there!" cried Duncan and Chubs as once.

"Stay here!" Duncan told Chubs, "Protect Isadora, I'll save Violet!"

"Be careful, old boy." said Chubs sagely, Isadora gave her brother a quick hug and Duncan dashed to the elevator.

"Wait a moment!" Sir called out to him, "I'm going too! That Phantom of the Hotel must know where the Chamber Pot is!"

"Of course!" realized Esme, "Why else would Olaf be hiding from us!" With a vicous cackle, she too dashed to the elevator.

"We need to save Olaf from his whore!" rallied Reggie, the other four henchfolk gave a "HUZZAH!" and they too crowded into the Elevator.

"Wait a second!" said Enya, before the doors closed, "If he's in the clock then we have to take the stairs!"

Now the crowd of eight people hurried into the stairwell and out of sight, leaving behind just Chubs, Isadora, Carmelita and Charles.

"I hope to God, they'll be alright." muttered Isadora.

Chubs could've sworn he heard Carmelita mutter, "Duncky." to herself, forlornly.

Back in the clock, Olaf was in pure rage. He encroached on Violet, who was backing away towards the trapdoor.

"You are mine!" snarled the disgusting villain.

"Wrong!" came a voice, and the trapdoor opened, admitting Duncan, followed by Sir, Esme and the five hench-morons.

"Duncan!" said Violet and they embraced, sharing a tender kiss.

"We're here to save you, boss!" said Fernald proudly. "I DON'T NEED SAVING, YOU FILTHY MONSTER!"

"Okay." Fernald trailed off faintly.

"Olaf, I never thought you would stoop so low!" hissed Esme, "Now, where is the Chamber Pot?"

"Quite so," growled Sir, "where is it?"

"I don't have it!" said Olaf, exasperated, "I'm looking for it!"

"LOOK FOR IT YOU MAY, BUT FIND IT, YOU WILL NOT!"came a deep and menacing voice.

There was a little cat walk above the, now destroyed, machinery and out of a door alongside it emerged a man in black cloak and hat, with a mask exactly identical to that which Olaf was wearing. It was the real Phantom of the Hotel: Dewey Plot Twist, the last of the Plot Twist Brothers.

"IT IS I, THE REAL PHANTOM OF THE..."

"We get it!" roared Olaf, then, after regaining his compusure, "Dewey. We know it's you. Where the bloody hell is the Chamber Pot?"

"Yes, where is it?" asked Sir, annoyed. Replied Dewey, "That is for me to know and you lot to never find out! You have all been most persistent in your efforts to discover the secrets of the universe but I am sad to inform you that this clock, or what's left of it, will be your tomb!"

From his cloak, he withdrew the harpoon gun. There were three projectiles left. Well, there were two in about five seconds for the third one was used to slice down the huge brass bells that acted as the clock's chimes to block the trapdoor.

"Now the only way out of here," Dewey said, quite madly, "is through there." he gestured to the vacant space where the clock face had once been, "Though I'm sad to say, that leaving through there means instant death."

"Why are you doing this, you madman?" asked Mr. Poe, holding Martha, who was trembling with undue fear.

"Why, my dear fatass, I'm doing it because I can!"

And with that he pulled the trigger of the gun once more and the second harpoon came to rest through the body of Mr. Poe's dear Martha.

"NO!" sobbed Mr. Poe, sinking to his knees.

THE CURTAIN FALLS, AND THE CHAPTER'S FINALLY OVER

A/N: That chapter took forever, didn't it? We had two songs, four deaths and a makeout scene! Now, you must be wondering what will become of the people trapped in the clock as well as the small group of people gathered in the lobby.

Does Carmelita still love Duncan?

Are Violet and Duncan finally an official unit?

Will Mr. Poe get over Martha's death?

Is Sunny serious about joining Olaf?

How far will Esme go to get what she wants?

Will the Henchfolk ever be important?

How crazy is Dewey?

WHERE THE HELL IS THE CHAMBER POT?

Any one of those questions will suffice, and most of them will be answered next chapter!

Update Coming Now, no Seriously, it Should Already be Up!:)


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9, Crazy Dewey and His Awesome Bachelor Pad. Oh! And Something About Storybook Endings

Disclaimer: Young hearts, run free, nothing is ours and will never be

A/N: Here's the last of tonight's merry threesome of chapters! I'd also like to ask that once done with this chapter you do read the closing note as there is a little surprise waiting for you there! Now, let's get going!

Dewey's crazed laughter drowned out Mr. Poe's heartbroken sobs.

"Now," he began menacingly, "I'll leave you to die. But you, my dear girl, are coming with me!"

With that, he lunged forward, grabbed Violet and leapt through the hole in the floor.

"VIOLET!" wailed Duncan as his beloved was swept off, screaming, across the lobby.

With the harpoon gun, now containing only one harpoon, in one hand and Violet in the other, Dewey was somehow flying across the room.

"Good heavens!" exclaimed Chubs from where he and the others were sitting about, "I think that's Violet!"

"What the hell's going on?" wondered Isadora.

Dewey alighted on a narrow ledge in the domed ceiling where a panel slid aside and stayed open long enough for him to leap through before it sealed behind him.

Violet screamed as she hurtled through the darkness. The panel seemed to have opened up onto a

slide going down, and down, and down.

She finally crashed landed in a pool of foul smelling water.

Violet felt around in the pitch darkness to find Dewey. When she didn't catch him, she decided it would be a good time to try and escape.

Before she could even formulate a plan, though, light flooded the room.

She was in cavern, complete with mist, filthy lake and a Viking longship. The cavern was dimly lit by a series of faulty lightbulbs strung across the ceiling on wires.

Dewey was sitting at a small table in the center of the chamber, he looked at her invitingly and said, "Please, do sit down!"

Violet tentativly approached the little tea set and sat at the chair across from him.

She brought the subject down immeidiatly, "Why the bloody hell did you kidnap me?"

"Because I get rather lonely at night."

Violet, who had just begun to sip tea, spat it right out once he said that.

"EXCUSE ME?" she roared, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, 'I GET LONELY AT NIGHT'? I'M NOT DOING ANY DISGUSTING PORNO CRAP WITH YOU! I HAVE A MAN!"

Dewey qiueted down at once and set his little strawberry scone down, "You do, do you?"

"Yeah, I do."

"That boy who you kissed so stimulatingly back in the clock?"

"Yeah, Duncan. H-he means everything to me! I mean, aside from my weird brother and pyschopath sister, he's all I have! My parents died in a train wreck a few months ago and he's been the best friend anyone could ask for. He's a little strange sometimes but I like that about him, it gives him character. He's so nice, like a-a storybook prince!"

"Aren't you a little too grown-up to believe in storybook endings?" chided Dewey.

Violet got up and struck him upside the face, "Listen here, you:" she began as the orchestra wailed in accompinment.

STORYBOOK ENDINGS {From 'The Scarlet Pimpernell'}

{Note, throughout the song, Violet is triumphant and sexy, she parades about the cavern, inflicting pain on Dewey at every possible oppurtunity}

Violet: Listen to me, I beautiful dreams I can spin you. Dreams to linger within you. Close your eyes and we'll ride my carousel!

{she knees Dewey in the crotch}

I'll sing you stories of lovers whose love used to fill me! And of lovers who will be. For, you see love is one thing I do well!

{she punches Dewey in the gut}

Come, let's believe love can be just as sweet as it seems!

Let's live on dreams!

{She snaps the table cloth of off the table and wraps it around Dewey's neck}

In my dreams such beautiful lovers have found me!

Storybook lovers surround me!

Nothing is real, but I'm flying, sighing, where, where, where is my storybook ending?

Why does my golden pretending, leave me with nothing to hold but MY DREAMS?

{she kicks Dewey in the spine and wraps the table cloth around herself like a kimono}

Oh, is it only in dreams that we find our ideal love?

Are there lovers with real love?

If you know how to feel love, show me how.

Ah, but my prince, if you can't be as sweet as you seem, I'd rather dream.

{she spins Dewey around the cavern}

Come and wake me!

Come be the love I can hold now.

Storybook love leaves me cold now.

Show me the way to stop dreaming.

There is only one perfect storybook ending!

That is the end of pretending!

That is the moment I say, LOVE ME NOW!

{she sings in French}

Et sur mon manege, l'amour toujours est chantant.

De mes reves, c'est le commencement.

Et j'espere une fin heureuse.

Mais la fin de l'histoire ne vient pas tres doucement.

Pour l'histoire, il faut faire semblant.

Certes je n'embrasse que mes reves.

Seuls mes reves!

{Dewey collapses in an unconscious heap}

THE CURTAN FALLS, BUT WE'VE GOT A BIT OF A WAYS TO GO

"What are we going to do?" cried Carmelita hysterically, looking up at the hole in the ceiling beyond which her old love was trapped.

"Dunky's up there!"

"Oh, poor Sir!" moaned Charles, wringing his hands like the patsy he was.

The party of four left the wreckege of the lobby and began mounting the stairs to the clock's trapdoor, hoping to save those that were trapped inside.

"I have a plan, dear girl and...thing." Chubs assured Carmelita and Charles, "We will find a way."

"We're here!" Announced Isadora, indeed, they were now facing the ladder to the clock.

Chubs scaled it and pushed the trapdoor with quite a good deal of grunting.

"It won't budge." he said grimly, "It must be blocked very securely."

Charles started hopping up and down in a state of incredible panic, "Oh, what a catastrophe! An apostrophe! A-a..."

Isadora slapped him, "Get ahold of yourself!"

"Isadora is right." said Chubs, "I suggest we go to bed. The snow has stopped falling. If all goes well, by tomorrow a plow shall come to get us out of here."

They looked at each other, and descended the stairs.

In the Clock, hysteria was reaching a breaking point. Flo and Tocuna were slapping each other, Enya was playing the world's smallest violin, Sir was monologuing to himself and Duncan was writing a dying statement with a crayon and an old Kleenex.

Esme was staring at Olaf and imploring him to 'Do something, you ass!' every ten minutes and Olaf himself was conversing with Reggie and Fernald in hushed tones. Mr. Poe was still cradling Martha's body and blubbering like a baby.

Suddenly, there was a great shuddering and a heavy metal sheet closed over the hole in the floor, leaving them in total darkness.

"What happened?" asked Tocuna in shock. "I think we've been sealed off!" replied Flo.

"It's that damn Plot Twist!" roared Olaf, "He's unleased a..."

"A Plot Twist?" suggested Fernald drily, Olaf slapped him.

"WE'LL DIE IN THE DARK!" wailed Enya, dropping to its knees.

"Calm down!" Duncan tried to placate his fellow prisoners, "We must have order. First order of business, who eats whom?"

"The banker's got the most meat on him." noted Reggie.

"Yes! Let's eat him first!" said Sir, hungrily.

"NO!" Mr. Poe cried, "I'm not good for eating! My meat is too tough due to years of nasal congistion!"

To emphasize his point, he broke into another coughing fit.

"Then," began Esme, "We must eat the maid's corpse!"

"NEVER!" said Mr. Poe, "You're not setting a hand on Martha. NONE OF YOU!"

The resulting chaos, though rather humorous to describe, can easily be skipped because I want to get back to Violet's side of the story.

Violet looked up from the her tea at the sound of a distant clang. Spinning on her heel she saw Dewey standing in a niche behind and curtan and fiddling with some levers and dials.

"What are you doing?" she asked peevishly, striding into the niche with him. Aside from a dashboard covered in little levers, switches and knobs, there were little security monitors that displayed black and white recordings of every room in the Hotel Plot Twist.

Dewey turned to her and gave a small cry before he remembered who she was, "Oh! I've just made sure none of our little captives can escape." He gestured to one of the monitors and Violet saw that it dipicted the people in the Clock sealed in utter darkness.

"Why did you do that?" she wondered in rising irritation, "Like you said, even if they tried to escape through the hole then they would have fallen to their deaths!"

"One can never be too careful." Dewey shrugged, "Sit down, dear girl and we will have a conversation."

They once again sat at the tea set and Dewey began a rather long-winded speech that, though it is very dull to read, reveals much information that you will need to know to advance in the story. If you find it advisable, you may get a snack or massage your feet before we begin Dewey's monologue.

Are you ready? Good!

DEWEY'S MONOLOGUE

"From my earliset youth I discovered that my nature was a mass of contradictions. My brothers and I lived in relative peace in a little cottage in the countryside.

One day I heard a noise outside the window. The noise was this, 'Hello. Please leave a message after the tone'.

Indeed, this sound quite puzzled me, so I responded, 'Excuse me, I don't quite understand what you were saying.'

I regretted that immeidiatly after I said it. There was a great shattering sound and someone through a dictionary through the window. Men clad in black coats and hats jumped through all of the windows and broke down the door. They snatched me from the kitchen, Frank from the bathroom and Ernest from the couch where he was watching 'Everybody Loves Raymond' on TBS.

The men carried my brothers and I away from the house. None of us ever saw our parents again.

They brought us to a place high in the Dandruff Mountains where there was a huge walled complex that was their headquarters.

Once we were there, they introduced themselves as ZYK and our training began.

Life in that organization was hard and dull. We slept with a menagerie of other bland and boring children in filthy dormitories. We ate disgusting mash and unsweetened tea for meals. Whenever someone asked for sugar, one of the elder members would take out a bamboo post and beat that person while shouting, 'TEA SHOULD BE AS BITTER AS WORMWOOD AND AS SHARP AS A TWO-EDGED SWORD!'

We were taught strange things: how to write coded messages and how to kill a man with superior vocabulary. It was hell.

I soon lost interest in my brothers and let them run off on their own pursuits. I became rather taken with one of my classmates, Kit Snicket. She was beautiful and intelligent and for a few days it seemed we would be together forever.

But then came Olaf.

Olaf was as filthy and odiferous then as he is now. I don't think he ever was clean or innocent. His parents had been killed in a mad poison darts incident at the opera when he was fourteen. He was never a chatty type but Kit liked him. She liked him more then me. They had meals together and took walks in the snow on the weekends. She soon forgot about me and cast me into obscurity! Whenever I tried to talk to her, Olaf was always there. She was never without him and, in time, he realized that I had affections for her.

Well, Olaf didn't like that one bit. He terrorized me to no end with his gaggle of lackys. He went after my brothers too, thinking that by harming one of us he would send us all of us down. Ernest sided with him immediatly like the smart aleck he was! He knew better then to pick a fight with someone as influential as Olaf was; he had an even greater hold on us children then the adults did. Frank was bullied the hardest, unlike me he had a strange tendency to retreat inside himself whenever he was in danger. He himself never fully recovered from the strain of those times.

I tried my best to resist the harrasment but I gave in every once in a while.

Things progressed in this way for some time. We graduated and became official members of that blasted organization!

Olaf's job was to study locomotives, Kit's was to study re-runs of CSI, Ernest's was to organize group meetings and assist the lesser staff, Frank was so distraught by this point that all he was good for was flushing toilets, and that is just what he did. Kit's brothers, Jacques and Lemony were chroniclers. They held a post in the mysterious ZYK Archives which was home to some of the most tantalizing secrets in the world. I worked alongside the Snicket brothers, sorting the various files into their proper aisles.

There was one part of the Archives where not even the Snickets were allowed to go: the confidential archives which held comprehensive records of the most crucial events in the history of the universe that only the most senior members of ZYK were aloud to see. Those senior members are all dead now, of course. The confedential archives were all contained in a single manila envelope kept rolled up at the bottom of a file cabinet that was locked so securely that not even the sturdiest of conventianal explosives could get inside.

Outside business, Kit was growing ever closer to Olaf. I tried my damndest to get her attention and one day something sparked. Kit and I kissed under the locker room.

Olaf found out about this in time and I think that that was when he lost it completly. He began to plot on how to overthrow ZYK. I was sometimes fortunate enough to have a glimpse at his notes which he hid in his pink 'Sweet Secrets' Diary. The notes were all done in an untidy scrawl; he had a list of enemies on the first page. Needless to say, I was number one on the list.

By the time we were all eighteen, I had formulated a plan to escape ZYK and take the most compelling of its information with me. The plan was this: I was to break into the confidential archives and steal that envelope that contained all of it and take it off with me so I could start a new life.

I didn't know it at the time, but Olaf was making similar plans with the use of his locomotive knowledge.

And then, on November 16th of that year, I snuck, in the dead of night, into the archives and picked the lock of the confidential section with a pick I had made with a curling iron, a pencil and several wads of gum.

After I got inside, I took the manila envelope and hid it in a large chamber pot that I had brought with me. I fastened it shut with a heavy lid that I attached with steel latches.

My plan seemed perfect, all I had to do now was escape. But then, as I was leaving the archives, Lemony Snicket caught me.

'What is that chamber pot in your hands?' he asked, before reminding me, 'Chamber pot, is a word which here means: a recipticle for holding fecal waste that is being held by Dewey Plot Twist.'

I was about to reply with some cleverly thought up lie but then Olaf launched his most devious scheme at long last.

He had used his advanced knowledge of trains to design a locomotive on top of Maunt Fickle-Nickle, the highest peak in the Dandruff Mountains and had routed it to an electrical cable running under the ground, through the headquarters. He planned to run down the whole place with that train and kill as many of us as he pleased.

It began with a low rumbling sound, growing steadly louder by the second. Then, things began to vibrate until the very walls of the archives were shaking, sending files and portfolios tumbling to the floor.

Lemony and I looked around in shock as dust began to rain from the ceiling and the shelves tumbled to the ground.

Finally, the train tore through the outer walls of the headquarters. In all of the buildings, people woke up and made for the exit.

Lemony and I dashed into the courtyard as the train ripped through the movie theater and out the back wall. That doesn't sound so bad, of course, but the real damage was caused by aftershock. The headquarters' foundations had weakend when the train came through and the buildings that were still standing also collapsed.

I dropped the chamber pot in shock and it rolled down the court.

That's when Lemony realized, 'The confidential archives are in the chamber pot!' he called over the roar of the crumbling buildings.

A man, rather rotund, came across the chamber pot and picked it up, but the cobblestones he was standing on split and he tripped as the chamber pot landed in the swervy stream, to end up in the sea.

Countless members of the organization I hated so fiercely were killed in the subsequent collapse of the headquarters, but Lemony and I managed to make it to a cave across from the wreck. Also in the cave were Jacques, Kit, my Siblings as well as various others of the few survivors.

We watched in awestruck silence as the train barreled off of a cliff and the enormous dust cloud cleared, revealing the ruins of the ZYK headquarters.

After that day, Olaf dissapeared and ZYK had gone from an all powerful, life sucking organization to a sniveling collection of a few obnoxiously intelligent people.

Kit was one of the few who remained loyal to them. She resumed her life of reviewing CSI re-runs and eventually turned into the penniless wretch she is today.

Jacques Snicket moved to the the Asshat Village of Blackbirds and continued to make observations for ZYK.

Lemony was forever resentful. He knew that I was the reason the confidential archives were gone and spent the rest of his years chroniciling every little event that happened it the hopes of recovering the Chamber Pot.

My brothers and I moved to Dirty Bastard. Frank was still loyal to ZYK, Ernest and I, not so much.

After trying fruitlessly to find our parents, Ernest decided to use the skills he had learned in ZYK to build the Hotel Plot Twist using money that he got on loan from the Bank of Bastard. He never repaid that money, but he had the Bank shut down eventually so it was no concern to him.

Ernest was chief manager, I was assitant manager and Frank flushed toilets just as he had always done.

It seemed that we were finally happy. That is, until Lemony Snicket, now ruler of Snicket Land, reared his ugly and mysterious head.

He sent Ernest a letter, imploring him that, 'For the good of all noble and intelligent people, force your heathen, a word which here means 'Dewey Plot Twist', brother to reveal the location of the Chamber Pot in which he has hidden the confidential archives of ZYK.'

Ernest of course, didn't know what the hell Lemony was talking about. The only ones who knew what was in the chamber pot were myself and Snicket himself. But Ernest was never one to take chances.

Little did they know that I already had the Chamber Pot!

I had performed extensive research on the currents of the Swervy Stream and had predicited exactly where it would wash ashore once the ocean's tides let it go.

I found it on a beach in Majorica, a little Spanish Island. The lid was still securely latched and the contents undamaged by the water.

I had hidden my plunder where no one ever thinks to look: in my underwear drawer.

But once Ernest recieved Lemony's letter I knew my time had run out.

Frank and Ernest cornered me and questioned me as to wherabouts of the Chamber Pot but I told them nothing.

They searched my room, searched the whole damn hotel but they found nothing. I had hidden the the recipticle under my assitant manager's cap, the second place where they would never think to look.

Enraged, Ernest locked me up down here, in this cavern. He thought being confined to the dark and damp would force me to reveal the secret. But it didn't work.

I actually quite liked my new home and used it to my advantage. I hid the Chamber Pot within and used the security monitiors of my own creation to spy on whomever I wished in the hotel above me.

Things progressed in this way for some time until just a few months ago when Kit Snicket reentered my life.

She entered through a tunnel she had dug herself, with the aid of a giant drilling machine.

She had wanted to warn me about Olaf coming to stay in his search for the Chamber Pot. I don't think she knew I had it. She just wanted an excuse to see me again.

We made love that night and she left, distraught and pregnant, as Lemony Snicket would say. You probably didn't notice her pregancy, considering all she wears is a baggy garbage bag; it would've hidden her baby bump.

Anyway, once I knew of Olaf's planned stay, I decided to make the most of it by killing him and everyone else who wanted the Chamber Pot.

The day came and you and those children arrived on Kit's orders. Along with you there were those three teachers, whom Olaf had inadvertantly lured on the trail of the Chamber Pot. There was Sir and his assitant who have been searching for the secret within the Chamber Pot for years. And of course, there were my brothers, who had wanted it since Lemony Snicket sent the letter to Ernest.

I've killed most of them already and now all I have to do is kill the rest!"

END OF INCREDIBLY LONG AND TEDIOUS MONOLOGUE

By this point, Violet was half-asleep with her face in the plate of scones.

"Girl!" Dewey tried to wake her, "Girl? Wake up, dammit!"

"Y-yeah, I heard you." stammered Violet before going to sleep.

"Honestly, I thought having a captive would be fun!" said Dewey, striding off to his bed.

A/N: Another long chapter! Well, it was long only because of Dewey's monologue. It was very hard to make that serious and mildly funny at the same time, so I hope it was satisfying!

If you're curious know about the actual government and politics of Snicket Land, you'll have to wait until Book 4, in which more will be explained about the environment of the story as well as the characters in it.

Now for that surprise: you may remember how I once asked you all how a serious murder mystery fic would appeal to you? I recieved several PM's as well as some reviews speaking in the affirmitave and we'd like to annouce that, as of last week, _Mount Rancour_ is sterling on the Harper's Island archive.

You don't actual have to have seen the source material to understand this fic, as it uses orginal characters and setting in a way _similar _to the original show.

I'll be posting updates weekly, as with this story, and after I put these chapters up, I'll post chapter two to MR. Feel free to check it out if you want a mystery fix!

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10, Being Popular, Being Insane and Being Utterly Stupid

Disclaimer: No. Never. Ever. Ever.

A/N: To beging with a masterfully important announcment: IT SNOWED! A LOT! AND GUESS WHO HAD TO SHOVEL EVERYTHING?

But that's all right because it was powdery snow and not the annoying kind that freezes two minutes after it lands. Thank you to Laura Scofeild and Gypsy Rosalie for reviewing, it is greatly appreciated. To reply to Laura's request, this chapter is entirely left aligned. Oh, and Gypsy Rosalie, yes, the Chamber Pot is the Queer Events equivelant of the Sugar Bowl. Remember, all songs can be found on our profile.

There was no sunrise the following morning. There was kind of a dark-grey-cloud-rise with the sky becoming heavy with dark grey clouds. The snow had at least stopped in time for New Year's Eve.

Chubs woke up and looked into the placid, sleeping face of Isadora beside him in bed. Needless to what they'd been up to for the second time.

Chubs climbed out of bed and pulled on his favorite trousers. As he was buttoning his shirt, Isadora's eyes fluttered open and she gave him a smile, "Good morning, handsome." she said seductivly. "Good morning dear, and happy New Year's Eve!"

"Oh, that's what day it is? With everything that's been going on, I forgot."

"Well, never fear! I've concoted a plan to save our friends and enemies who are trapped in the clock!"

"Really? What's the plan?"

"Let us wake up Charles and Carmelita, first."

They found Carmelita in the room that she had occupied with Esme and Olaf. She had just dressed and showered, giving a loud scream when they knocked on the door.

Charles was already in the dining room. He had gone into the kitchen/morgue and taken some tinned eggs and cold coffee from the pantry.

"Gross!" gagged Carmelita, once Charles had placed the food before her.

"It was the best I could do!" huffed Charles, as he gingerly dug into his own crappy exuse for food.

Chubs felt well to have an exuse for push his plate away from him so he could speak, "Now, I would like to suggest a brilliant plan to foil the odiferous schemes of the Phantom of the Hotel and rescue all those whom he has trapped in the clock, as well as Violet whom he has apparently taken with him."

"Well what's the plan, then?" asked Carmelita. "I'm getting to that!" Chubs said testily, "I suggest we make an explosive to blast open the trapdoor!"

Charles' mouth opened in awe, "That-is-the-most-AMAZING PLAN IN THE ENTIRE FLUFFY, HUGGIBLE UNIVERSE!"

"But how're we gonna build an 'explosive'?" asked Isadora. Chubs replied, "We will have to collect kerosene or some other flammible chemical. Charles and I will go to the utility room to get some. Come Charles!"

The two fellows whose names began with 'C' tromped off to press the button for the elevator, but the doors didn't open.

"What's going on?" wondered Charles, "Of course!" Chubs realized, "The hotel must've run out of its reserve power! We'll have to take the stairs!"

Now, the two fellows whose names began with 'C' tromped off to to the stairs and went down to the utility room.

Isadora and Carmelita stood side by side in the lobby, "Wanna go to my room and braid each other's hair, tell secrets, and talk about how sexy your brother is?" asked Carmelita, "I...guess so?" trailed Isadora.

"Yay!" cheered Camelita, seizing her new friend by the hand and dragging her up the stairs.

"Izzy, now that we're friends, I've decided to make you my new project!" announced Carmelita as the two girls curled up on the rug of Carmelita's room.

"You really don't have to do that." said Isadora, nervously. The last thing she wanted was to have Giggly Giggle-Spout mess around her with makeup and a hair brush.

Carmelita smiled, "I know. That's what makes me so nice!"

POPULAR {from 'Wicked'}

Carmelita: Whenever I see someone less fortunate then I, and let's face it, who isn't less fortunate then I?

My tender heart tends to start to bleed.

And when someone needs a makeover, I simply have to take over I know, I know exactly what they need.

{she takes Isadora by the hand and gives her a small smile}

And even in your case, though it's the toughest case I've yet to face! Don't worry, I'm determined to succeed. Follow my lead and yes, indeed, you-will-be popular!

{she hauls Isadora to her feet}

You're gonna be popular!

I'll teach you the proper poise when you talk to boys!

Little ways to flirt and flounce! Oh!

I'll show you what shoes to wear.

{she snaps off Isadora's sneakers and replaces them with scarlet stilleto heals}

How to fix your hair.

{she unties Isadora's ponytail and starts fussing over it with a curling iron}

Everything that really counts to be popular!

I'll help you be popular!

You'll hang with the right cohorts!

You'll be good at sports!

Know the slang you've got to know!

So let's start, because you've got an awfully long way to go!

{she drops the iron, Isadora's hair now being bouncy with curls, and pushes her into the bathroom}

Don't be offended by my frank analysis!

Think of it as personality dialysis!

Now that I've I chosen to become a pal, a sister, an advisor, there's nobody wiser!

Not when it comes to popular!

{she takes a pile of frilly dresses and accesories out of the closet and tosses them into the bathroom}

I know about popular!

And with an assist from me to be who you'll be, instead of dreary which you were! Well, are.

There's noting that can stop you from becoming popular-lar!

{she dances around the room}

La! La! La! La!

I'm gonna make you Popular!

When I see depressing creatures with such unrepossesing features I'll remind them on their own behalf to think of celebrated heads of state or specially great comunicators!

Did they have brains or knowledge?

Don't make me laugh!

{she giggles}

They were popular!

Please, it's all about popular!

It's not about aptitude, it's the way you're viewed!

So it's very shrewd to be very, very popular, like me!

{She opens the bathroom door and Isadora stumbles out, wearing a tight red dress and has makeup on a layer thick over her face}

Isadora: Meh.

Carmelita: {speaking} Why look at you, Miss Isadora, you're beautiful!

{Isadora looks down at herself and sighs}

Isadora: I have to go.

{she hurries out of the room, Carmelita looks after her}

Carmelita: You're welcome!

{singing}

And though you protest, your disinterest. I know clandestinally, you're gonna grin and bear it, your newfound popularity!

{she giggles}

La! La! La! La!

You'll be popular! Just not quite as popular as ME!

{she leaps onto the bed and chortles}

THE CURTAN FALLS, BUT THE CHAPTER'S ONLY JUST BEGUN

The prisoners in the clock had slept fitfully in their clothes. Well, Sunny had a fine night's rest seeing as she had relieved herself in Mr. Poe's top hat.

Mr. Poe himself turned around, drowsy and opened his eyes where he saw something most terrible.

HIS BELOVED MARTHA WAS A MERE SKELETON!

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!" Swore Mr. Poe, clutching his heart in horror.

His cry woke up the others, who looked rather casually from Martha's bones to Mr. Poe.

"You!" trailed of Mr. Poe, in disgust, "YOU ALL ATE MY WOMAN!"

"Not my idea!" shrugged off Sunny.

"Actually, it was Enya's idea." said Duncan, pointing to the he/she in question.

"Well, we have to eat, don't we?" it said nonchalantly, "She was already dead and she actually was quite good raw."

"Think of it this way, Poe." said Olaf, "We're doomed to die of starvation while we're trapped in here so we might as well preserve ourselves a little longer by eating a carcass. And besides, eventually we'll have to eat each other!"

"And you're next on the menu, Poe." pointed out Sir, "As Mr. the Bean stated last evening, you have quite a good deal of meat on you."

"Yeah!" agreed Mr. the Bean, or, as we call him, Reggie.

"Well, I've been thinking through the night!" announced Esme. "And what have you been thinking about, sweetcheeks?" asked Fernald. Esme slapped him before replying, "Our escape plan. The only thing keeping us from leaving here, is that bell blocking the Trapdoor! If we found a way to budge it, we'll be able to get out!"

"That's a marvelous idea." began Flo. "But how the hell are we going to do it?" finished Tocuna.

"That's what we have to think about!" said Esme curtly.

"Then let's get to thinking about it!" said Duncan, putting on his thinking cap and instructing the others to do the same.

They sat in a circle, thinking caps on, pondering on escape attempts.

Violet stirred sleeply and her eyes fluttered open.

"The hell?" she started quizzically. She was still in the chair that she had occupied during tea the previous evening.

The plate of scones was still before her, now with an indentation showing where her head had been while she slept. The tea things had not been cleared away.

"Oh, you're awake, are you?" came a voice and Dewey emerged from the shadows, still in his Phantom uutfit, "You fell asleep during my Zestfully Yawn-Inducing Krackle-Chatter!" Violet turned to look at her captor and said, annoyed, "Please, don't repeat it all over again! It's not exactly fun hearing about your depressingly, stupid life."

Dewey frowned, "I'm sorry I desipoint. But today is a very special day!"

"You finished potty training?" suggested Violet. Dewey frowned, "Yes, but that's not all! The snow has stopped falling! By this evening, plows will come to save those fools in the hotel. Or perhaps not. For before the plows reach them, the hotel will be nothing more then a smoldering heap of rubble!"

Violet blanced, "You don't mean what I think you mean?"

"Oh, but I do! I got the idea from eavesdropping on Olaf's arrival. They were talking of burning the hotel down once they had found the Chamber Pot. Little did they know that the Chamber Pot was not in the hotel, but down here! So I shall set fire to the building, and kill all those that want the Chamber Pot in the process!"

Violet was horrorfied. Of course, there were people in the hotel that she wanted to burn to a crisp. But her brother was up there as well, as were her, her best friend and her-her platinum friend. Oh! And Mr. Poe was important, or something.

Dewey continued, his voice rising in excitment, "And before I burn the hotel down, you my dear, will have to make a very important decision!"

"What kind of decision?"

"You will have to choose if you would rather like to run away with me after the arson and lead a wonderful life with me. Or if you would like to perish in the fire with your friends and enemies."

Violet looked at Dewey. Spending eternity with him didn't sound so bad when faced with roasting to death. But Duncan was in there. She thought of Duncan. Trapped in that clock, wondering where she was right now, no doubt.

"Oh, this is too easy!" she scoffed, "You burn in the fire, I have to save my friends!" she stormed off towards the tunnel that she had slid down to get to the cavern. Just when she was about to climb up, she heard a 'click!' When she turned around to face Dewey, she saw he was pointing the harpoon gun at her.

"Just one harpoon left, darling!" he said menacingly, "Just enough to run you down. Saving your friends isn't an option! So I think it best, if you chose. Choose wisely!"

Violet thought for a moment, "How would we escape?"

"In that!" Dewey announced, pointing at a little rowboat that stood in the shadow of the Viking longship.

"We take that little boat along the lagoon and into that tunnel for a wild and crazy ride! The boat deposit us at a Zipper-Operated Yodeling Kolander!"

"Isn't a colander a saled strainer. And isn't is spelled with a 'C'?"

"It's very hard to come up with words that start with 'Z', 'Y' and 'K', so I hope you will bear with me!"

"So, there's a boat?"

"Yes!" And the orchestra began to play again:

DINGHY {from 'Something's Afoot'}

Dewey: I'd almost forgot its existence! But it's sitting there ready to use! It's still capable of distance! So step right up and put on your grousin' shoes!

I've got a tiny little dinghy!

{Violet looks down at Dewey's crotch in revulsion}

For you to see!

{Violet backs away slowly as Dewey continues to sing}

But a teeny little dinghy is big enough for only you and me!

Violet: {speaking} And a motor?

Dewey: In a matter of speaking.

Violet: Oh, thank God!

Dewey: {singing} Us in my teeny little dinghy, an instant shake!

Got a teeny little dinghy, big enough to use in our escape!

Violet: Escape? Escape? Did you say Escape?

{she drags Dewey behind her}

Come let us go, let us fly, let us dissapear! Now is the time for the two of us to get OUT OF HERE! Did you say ESCAPE? Yes! He said escape!

Dewey: {speaking} Well, I've hardly used it since last winter. I wonder if I could get it going again.

Violet; Oh, I won't say I word to anyone else!

Dewey: Oh! Look at you, conspiring with the creepy pervert!

Violet: Oh, I was only joking about that. Dewey, think.

{singing}

Us, in your teeny little dinghy, no chaparone! Us, in your teeny little dinghy. Lucky you and I will be alone!

Dewey: Alone? Alone? Did you say ALONE?

{he swings Violet over his shoulder and runs around the cavern with her}

Come let us go, let us fly, let us dissapear! Now is the time for the two of to get OUT OF HERE! Did you say ALONE? Yes, she said Alone!

Violet: Escape!

Dewey: Alone!

Violet: Escape!

Dewey: Alone!

Violet: Escape!

Dewey: Alone!

Violet: Escape!

Dewey: Alone! Alone! Alone!

Violet: Escape! Escape! Escape!

{their voices blend together}

Violet and Dewey: If you've got a teeny little dinghy, you must recall that a teeny little dingy is better then NO DINGHY AT ALL!

Dewey: {speaking} Well, I'm glad you decided to go with me. I'll just get my arson things ready.

{Violet takes the tea tray and hits Dewey over the head with it, he passes out and Violet laughs}

THE CURTAN FALLS

A/N: We're nearing the end, folks! Here's some questions you might be asking...

WILL THE PEOPLE IN THE CLOCK ESCAPE?

WILL THE PEOPLE IN THE HOTEL FIND A WAY TO HELP THEM ESCAPE?

WILL VIOLET SAVE EVERYONE?

HOW TEENY IS DEWEY'S DINGHY?

Some of these questions will be answered in Chapter 11!

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11, Burning Down the Place and Having Too Much Fun Doing It

Disclaimer: NO! That's about it.

A/N: Hi, all! Have you all passed a pleasent week? That was an odd sentence. This chapter should satisfy that kinda-sorta-maybe cliffhanger we had last chapter. Also, I have the sudden desire to either A: See _The Lion King _on Broadway, or B: Go to Disney World this summer. It's weird, isn't it? I've just been a victim of a severe Disney high. Anyway, on with the story!

"We're getting out of here!" announced Duncan, throwing off his thinking cap in excitment.

"You've figured out how to move the bell?" asked Mr. Poe, "Yes, I have! All we need to do is wheel one of those broken gears into the bell and it'll move aside!"

"That's actually very simple." said Esme.

"Perhaps you're just too stupid too come up with these things for yourself!" suggested Olaf.

"WILL YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU SNIVELING ASS?" screamed Esme, on the edge of her nerve.

Enya tried to get the group back on task, "Well, if pushing a gear loose is what we must do, then let us do it!"

It seized a large cog from the floor and started pushing it laboriously toward the bell, "I could use a bit of help!" it groaned.

"Come!" said Reggie, "Teamwork is the key!"

"Quite right!" agreed Sir, eventually everyone was pushing the cog slowly but surely towards the bell.

"Kzinkisti!" groaned Sunny, which meant, "We're getting there!"

"Yes! Yes, we are!" gasped Flo, in extreme relief.

They were so happy they could melt.

Chubs had led Isadora, Carmelita and Charles up the stairs to the ladder.

"Alright," he began, "hand me the explosive!"

"Yes, Master." bowed Charles, handing him a Vodka bottle filled with kerosene: a Molotov cocktail.

"Um, Chubs?" Isadora said tentativly, "Are you sure this is gonna work?"

"Of course it will! Now, someone pass me a match!"

Carmelita withdrew one and Chubs struck it, dropping it into the bottle and tossing the makeshift bomb at the trapdoor.

Just as it met its mark however, Duncan's plan succeded and the bell was pushed from the trapdoor by the cog as the cog itself collapsed through the trapdoor and nearly crushed Chubs.

"MERICIFUL GOD!" expleted Chubs, clutching Isadora for support as the cog tumbled down the Stairs.

Duncan and the others peared through the opening they had made and beamed, "Excellant!" cheered Fernald, "We've made it!"

He leapt down to them, followed by the others.

"Oh, real light!" gasped Tocuna, "I never thought I'd see it again!"

"Oh, Duncky!" squeeled Carmelita, dashing up to Duncan, "Um, hello, Carmelita." trailed off Duncan awkwardly, "It's a pleasure to see you again." He walked past her to his sister and embraced her.

"I thought I'd lost you!" Isadora said quietly, tears sneaking down her cheeks.

"And I too, dear sister!"

He broke up the embrace and walked to Chubs, "My friend!" he boomed and they began their famous best friend's toast, "GENIUS OF THE RESTORATION!" started Duncan, flapping his arms and wiggling his ears while Chubs mirrored him and said his line, "AID OUR OWN RECESUTATION!"

"Where's Violet?" asked Chubs once they had finished. "The Phantom of the Hotel, the dreadful Dewey Plot Twist has whisked her to his mysterious lair!"

"I thought as much!" said Chubs, though he hadn't thought a cent about that, "We must find her!"

"Yes, we must!"

"No! We're leaving!" interupted Esme, taking Carmelita's hand, "Come sweetie, we've got to be off! The snow's stopped falling, yes?"

"Yes." started Carmelita carefully, "But a plow won't be able to come for a while. We're still stuck here!"

"Damn! Then we'll go to our room!"

"You're not going anywhere!" Olaf stopped her, "You two girls will help us find the Chamber Pot!"

"There's no way on Earth that I'll ever help you again, Olaf!"

"Then, Sunny will help me, won't you darling?"

"Sure!" agreed Sunny, readily.

"WHAT?" exclaimed Chubs, "Sunny, you can't seriously be joining...?"

"I'm sorry to say this, my friend," Duncan said darkly, "but she's turned to a life of treachery with Olaf and his goons."

Chubs looked at his sister and found hatred welling up inside him as Olaf continued, "Yes, helping me will be my darling Sunny, my five hench-idiots, and our slave, Mr. Poe!"

"Mr. Poe! You're one of them, too?" Chubs couldn't believe what he was hearing, but Mr. Poe affirmed his dread, "I am, Chubs. I'm sorry, but working with Count Olaf is the only thing I can do if I ever want to see my sons again. It's either that or..." his voice broke, but Chubs could tell Olaf had threatened him with his sons' lives.

"So basically, everyone's an enemy now?" remarked Isadora incredulouly.

"We're not enemies, girl!" said Sir, pointing at himself and Charles, who was joyfully wringing his hands in the air, "But we're not exactly your friends, either. We're more like nuetrel people who just happen to not want to help you!"

"Yeah!" chortled Charles.

The group of people began to descend the stairs.

MEANWHILE:

When Violet knocked Dewey out at the end of chapter ten, you probably thought that she was destined to escape and free her friends.

Well, now you will be informed that her friends freed themselves and that Violet was herself knocked out by Dewey seconds after she made for the exit.

We rejoin Violet as she wakes up, yet again, to find herself lying on the floor of the cavern while Dewey collects bottles of varying liquids.

"Ah, you're awake. Again." said Dewey drily once he had seen her, "Seeing as you tried to kill me earlier, I decided to not give you mercy and let you roast in the fire."

Violet rolled her eyes, "You've been talking about starting a fire for nigh on three hours, now! When are you actually going to get the guts to do it?" Before she could finish her sentence, however, Dewey stuffed a hankercheif into her mouth and began dragging her up one of the many chutes into the hotel.

This particular chute opened up in the basement corridor which was bland and uninteresting.

"Come along, dear." urged Dewey, dragging the gagged Violet behind him to a door marked 'Laundry Room; We reserve the right to give your clothes back if you leave them here for an hour'.

The laundry room was like the laundry rooms of most hotels: tiles, washers, dryers, piles of disgusting sheets, etc. etc.

Dewey hauled Violet in and began using his expert knot-tying skills to fasten several of the sheets around Violet, whom he tied to a metal pole in the center of the room so that she was cocooned in sheets that extended across the entire floor of the room. It was an eerily beautiful sight, actually. Like something out of a Hitchcock film or some such thing.

He removed Violet's gag and gave her a wicked smile, "Ready to fuel the fire?" he asked, Violet stared at him, her jaw dropping in horror, "WHAT? You didn't say I'd be the FUEL! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE PLAYING AT?"

"Well, after you rudely hit me on the head, I thought it would be an apprioate punishment to have you burn to death as the fuel for an infero that will eventually kill your siblings, friends and enemies. Now, to begin the magic!"

He withdrew from his cloak his bottles of liquids which he proceeded to pour over Violet and all of the sheets that surrounded her.

"Oh, this will be an amazing specticle!" he cackled, "While this hotel that has been my prison for all these years burns to the ground, I will sail away with the Chamber Pot!"

He struck a match and dropped it on theof sheets that spread out behind Violet and the fire began.

"Goodbye, dearie!" he called as he dashed out of the room and away.

"Crap!" Violet swore as a wave of fire rapidly approached her, there was only one thing to do:

"HELP! MERICIFUL GOD IN HEAVEN, SOMEONE COME AND SAVE ME!"

We are now back at the moment when everyone was descending the stairs.

As they reached the lobby landing, there came a faint cry, "HELP! MERICIFUL GOD IN HEAVEN, SOMEONE COME AND SAVE ME!" Okay, it wasn't exactly a 'faint' cry, it was more like a person being tortured screaming in agony. And that was basicaly what it was.

"That's Violet's voice!" realized Duncan and Chubs. "It's coming from the basement!" said Isadora. "Let us hurry!" proclaimed Chubs.

The children continued down the stairs, the others followed for the simple reason that they wanted to see the action.

Once they reached the basement, Olaf gasped, "I smell smoke! There's a fire nearby!"

"Good Lord!" moaned Duncan, feeling the laundry room door, "The fire and the screams are in here!"

He opened the door and they saw the bound Violet, surrounded by the flame which was vastly approaching her.

"Duncan, thank God!" Gasped Violet frantically, "Don't step on the sheets, they're covered in-in..." she didn't really know what strange chemical that Dewey had used to fuel the fire. It smelled strongly of feet, though.

Mr. Poe bent down and smelt the sheets nearest the door, "Zillico Filojo Swmiy-Sauce!" he announced.

"FORGET WHAT IT IS, JUST DO SOMETHING!" Violet screamed.

"Of course." said Duncan, he ripped his sweater off and wrapped it around the rusty water pipes that were fastened to the ceiling. He used his sweater as a steady-grip, inching his way along the ceiling, towards Violet. Once he reached her, he used his trusty ink pen to cut Violet loose from the sheets and pull her up to the pipe with him.

"Oh, Duncan." sighed Violet, kissing him tenderly on the lips.

"Let's get out of here." he said grandly, as they made their way back to the door.

"Don't push it." Violet said, "We don't want to get too corny."

By the time they made it out, the entire laundry room was blazing and only Chubs and Isadora were left standing in the doorway.

"Where did the others go?" asked Duncan, discarding his destroyed sweater, "They noticed a sliding hatch hidden under a supply cart." said Isadora, "They're all heading there to escape."

"That's Dewey's escape route!" said Violet, "He's going to his lair to escape with the Chamber Pot on some dinghy!"

"Then let's try to catch him!" proclaimed Chubs as he led them towards the hatch.

Meanwhile, Olaf had thrown open the hatch and, Sunny in his arms, slid down the chute and out of sight, followed by Fernald, Reggie, Flo, Tocuna, Enya and Mr. Poe.

Carmelita was trying to break free of Esme's strong grip on her arm, "I'm not going with you!" she told her.

"Yes, you are, Carmelita! We're family now. Just you and me! We're going together!"

Esme went next, Carmelta in hand.

Sir and Charles slid down next, just as the children arrived and looked down.

"Well," sighed Violet, "let's get this over with!"

And they plunged down, into the darkness.

A/N: Very short chapter I know, but the next one is gonna be pretty long! In the next chapter, we're gonna witness the heroic escapade that brings our characters to Book 4! Have a good week and remember to live it to the fullest!

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12, Defying Gravity and Sinking Beneath the Waves

Disclaimer: After all these weeks away, I would've thought this quarrel would have been forgotten. But no, we still own nothing.

A/N: Let's begin with some long overdue apologies, shall we? Dreadfully sorry that we left you all hanging for so long! There were mid-terms, and after that I had a lot of rehersing for the school reproduction of _Hamlet_, in which I played none other than Rosencrantz. But now we're here for the penultimate chapter of what was originally the penultimate book! Also, Chapter 13 will be updated immediately after this one comes up, so you won't have to wait to finish Book 3! We'd like to thank our ever faithful fan: Gypsy Rosalie for reviewing as always. Oh! One more thing. This chapter gets kinda serious. It's still funny, but I'm trying to go for a little more drama. If it seems too corny, please notify me, I will not be offended. Rather, I'd be glad someone pointed out the flaw.

Let us fly!

Plummeting. Plummeting into the swallowing darkness. That is what the group felt as they one-by-one went down the chute and into the deserted cavern.

The first to arrive of course, was Olaf, who was holding Sunny.

"Qygilok!" she gasped, pointing at Dewey's Viking longship which was moored in the lagoon. The teeny little dinghy that had been moored next to it was gone, meaning that Dewey had left with the Chamber Pot as he had said her would do. 'Qygilok', by the way, means, 'A boat! We can escape, darling!'

"Indeed, we can!" roared Olaf triumphantly as the his five lackys, plus his new slave, Mr. Poe, slid into the cavern.

"You! Idiots!" he commanded them, "Board the boat and make it ready for our escape!"

"Yes, Master!" they bowed to him as they dashed up the gangplank. A 'gangplank' for those of you who have never ridden a boat, is a wooden ramp that the passengers use to get on the ship before it sails. Why the word 'gang' is in it is a mystery that will never be solved.

"Excellant!" sighed Olaf, peeling of his ridiculous Phantom mask, "No need for this old thing anymore!" he said, tossing it into the lagoon.

Now, the children, Sir and Charles entered, as well as Esme and Carmelita.

"Olaf!" Esme called up to him as he raised the gangplank, "Let Carmelita and I on board!"

The devious man looked down to her, "If you wish to escape with us, say: 'Count Olaf is a mighty King, and his eyes see through!'"

"See through what?" wondered Esme, sarcastically.

"It's a chant, just say it!"

"No! We'll find our own way out!"

Suddenly, there was a rumble and dust rained down from the cavern ceiling.

"What the duece is going on?" asked Chubs, looking at his sister. Violet replied, "The fire in the hotel must be weaking the foundations. If we don't get out of here fast, we'll be crushed under the rubble!"

"But Olaf won't let us on the boat!" groaned Isadora.

"There must be something we can do!" Duncan said, frusterated.

Esme, meanwhile, was improvising: she had pushed the tea set from the table and was ripping the table cloth to shreds, along with a good lot of other fabric-such that she was collecting from around the cavern.

"What are you doing, Esme?" Carmelita asked her. The crazy biznitch replied, "We're going water-skiing, darling!"

Carmelita frowned, "But I'm not dressed for water-skiing!"

The cavern shook again and this time, not just dust, but small pieces of rock, preferably known as pebbles, clattered to the floor. The hotel was collapsing in earnest.

Esme now held in her hands a long cord composed of the fabric that she had collected; she climbed onto the table.

Violet, who had been watching Esme intently, gasped, "She's gonna drag herself behind Olaf's boat!" she whispered to the others.

"Hmm. perhaps she's not as insane as we thought." mused Chubs.

Esme looked a the four children and said to them, "Are you coming?"

Isadora stared, "You're asking us to come?"

"Yes, I am. Carmelita and I aren't enough weight. If there's too little weight..."

"The table will be dashed to pieced against the cavern walls." finished Violet. Duncan looked at her. "What can I say? I'm a scientist!"

The children wasted no time at all climbing onto the table with Esme and Carmelita.

On the longship, Olaf was standing at the captain's wheel, while Sunny sat behind him in the captain's chair. The henchfolk were sitting on the long bench in the back. Reggie, Fernald and Mr. Poe held the giant left oar and Flo, Tocuna and Enya held the giant right oar. None of them had noticed that Esme had securely latched the fabric cord around the back of the boat.

"Damn!" Esme expleted, "It's not long enough. We'll be pulled into the sea in no time!"

Esme thought for a moment and ripped off the majority of her satin skirt so that only a little remained to keep my 'T' rating. She tied the torn skirt to the cord and secured it.

"Ready." she cackled under her breath.

"SAIL, HO!" roared Olaf. God knows what 'Sail, ho!' means.

Apparently, though, 'Sail, ho!' means 'Sail away!' for that is just what happened. The henchfolk began to turn the oars and pulled the clutch as the longship set out across the lagoon, dragging the table behind it.

Indeed, riding the table was like waterskiing, only more dangerous, more wet, and incredibly uncomfortable.

Esme stood in center, grabbing the cord with both hands and cackiling like, like-let's see, what cackles? Ah! She was cackiling like the Wicked Witch of the West!

Carmelita and the Baudes and the Quags were sitting on the table around her, clinging for dear life.

The crazy sailing birgade vanished into the tunnel as the cavern shook a third time.

You may be wondering, 'Where the hell are Sir and Charles?'

Well, they were standing in the background during the chaos and are know arguing furiously with each other.

"I'm leaving, Charles! If you insist, you can stay here!" said Sir, furiously.

"But, Sir. It's too dangerous!" Charles tried to persuade him, "You can't just fly away on a broomstick!"

That had been Sir's plan: to cast a levitation spell that Shakes had taught him on a broomstick he had found and fly across the lagoon in that manner.

"Watch me!" Sir hissed as the music began and our final number began:

DEFYING GRAVITY {from 'Wicked'}

Sir: Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game!

Too late for second guessing!

Too late to go back to sleep!

It's time to trust my instinct; close my eyes and LEAP!

It's time to try defying gravity!

I think I'll try defying gravity!

And you can't pull me down!

Charles: Can't I make you understand? You're having delusions of grandeur!

Sir: I'm through accepting limits! 'Cause someone says they're so!

Some things, I cannot change, BUT TILL I TRY, I'LL NEVER KNOW!

Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost!

Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy defying gravity!

Kiss me goodbye!

I'm defying gravity!

And you can't pull me down!

{speaking}

Charles, come with me.

Think of what we could do together.

{singing}

Unlimited. Together, we're unlimited!

Together we'll be the greatest team there's ever been!

Charles, dreams the way we planned them.

Charles: If we work in tandem!

Sir and Charles: There's no fight we cannot win!

JUST YOU AND I DEFYING GRAVITY!

WITH YOU AND I DEFYING GRAVITY!

Sir: They'll never bring us down!

{speaking}

Well, are you coming?

Charles: {singing} I hope you're happy, now that you're choosing this.

Sir: {speaking} You to.

{singing}

I hope it brings you bliss.

Sir and Charles: {harmony} I really hope you get it and you don't live to regret it!

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY IN THE END!

I hope you're happy, my friend.

{Sir mounts the broomstick and levitates into the air, leaving Charles gaping, open-mouthed}

Sir: {wildly spirited} SO IF YOU CARE TO FIND ME, LOOK TO THE WESTERN SKY!

AS I TOLD MYSELF RECENTLY, EVERYONE DESERVES A CHANCE TO FLY!

AND IF I'M FLYING SOLO, AT LEAST I'M FLYING FREE!

TO THOSE WHO GROUND ME, TAKE A MESSAGE BACK FROM ME!

TELL THEM HOW I'M DEFYING GRAVITY!

I'M FLYING HIGH, DEFYING GRAVITY!

AND SOON I'LL MATCH THEM IN RENOWN!

And nobody, in all of Snicket Land, no Shakespeare that there is or was, is ever gonna bring ME DOWN!

Charles: I Hope You're Happy!

{the ghosts of all the dead characters, Frank, Ernest, Nero, Remora, Bass and Martha fly into the cavern as the ceiling begins collapsing in huge chunks of rock}

Ghosts: LOOK AT HIM, HE'S WICKED! GET HIM!

Sir: BRING ME DOWN!

Ghosts: NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED! SO WE'VE GOT TO BRING HIM-

Charles and Sir: {harmony}AHHHHHHH!

Ghosts: DOWN!

{Sir flies into the tunnel, the cavern collapses around Charles, leaving him to his fate}

THE CURTAN FALLS

In the tunnel, Olaf's longship was taking a pretty rough beating. The tunnel twisted and turned in various confounding directions and, though Mr. Poe and the henchfolk rowed quite dilegentally, there were times when the boat nearly capsized. Sunny clung to the arms of the captain's chair, her cheeks flapping back and fourth. Olaf was flailing at the captain's wheel, his Phantom cloak billowing behind him and his Phantom hat blowing off of his head and flying back, over Sunny, over the swaying rowers, and over the stowaways water-skiing on the table.

The hat was caught by Sir, who suddenly zoomed above them on his broomstick.

He plopped the hat onto his smoke-enshrouded head and called down to Olaf, "Hey! Crazy gentleman with the unibrow!"

Olaf looked up, "Yes, flying pot-head?"

"Your ex-girlfriend and a bunch of children are riding a table that's tied to your boat! Oh, and by the way:" he started singing, 'I'M DEFYING GRAVITY! TELL THEM HOW I'M DEFYING GRAVITY!'"

He vanished down the tunnel, away from them, as he sang, 'THEY'RE NEVER GONNA BRING ME DOWN!'

Olaf looked at the rear of his boat and saw that there was indeed, a cord of fabric fastened to it.

"Sunny!" he said to his baby-lover, "Go to the rear of the boat and bite through that cord!"

"Aye, aye, Sir!" saluted Sunny, jumping out of her chair and scrambling to the back of the boat.

"Sunny! Don't!" called Mr. Poe from his bench, "They're your family!"

"Screw family!" said Sunny firmly.

She looked over the edge of the boat and saw Esme and the children on the table.

"If you touch that cord, brat, I will carve your eyes out with my perfectly manicured nails!" threatened Esme.

"Please, Sunny." begged Violet, "Don't do this."

"Shut up, slut!" yelled Sunny, and with that, she bit through the cord, leaving the table to fend for itself in the water.

The table capsized immediately in the tossing waters and the longship dissapeared behind a corner.

The children surfaced one by one, clinging to the sides of the upside-down table for support.

"Esme?" called Carmelita, worridly, "Esme?"

"Shut up!" came a voice and Esme's head popped out of the water, "Now my brilliant coife is ruined!" she scrambled onto the table's underside, helping Carmelita on behind her.

"Goodbye, Baudelaires." Esme nodded to them, "And goodbye, Quagmires."

"What?" shreiked all five of the children."B-but Duncan!" moaned Carmelita."Oh, shut up, he already has a girl!" Esme told her, breaking off two legs of the table at opposite corners, so as to keep them afloat. She handed one leg to Carmelita and held the other, "Row." she commanded her.

And so, the two crazy, clingy floozies, floated off around that corner that things tended to dissapear around.

Violet looked at Duncan, "Darling?" she began.

"Yes, dearest?"

"Is there still something going on between you and-her?"

"No! No! Of course, not! She-she seems to think so, though."

"Well, never mind that!" cut in Chubs, "We have to find a way to get out of here before the current dashes us against the rocks!"

"Chubs is right." agreed Isadora, "We can't stay afloat for long!"

"I suggest we use the swimming teqnique that I mastered many summers ago." remarked Duncan, "Excellant! What is this teqnique?" asked Chubs.

"The FLIPPERDOO!" exclaimed Duncan, and he began flapping his way down the tunnel. The others promptly followed him.

Sir arrived at the end of the tunnel first, having flown on broomstick.

He noticed that the tunnel ended with a waterfall that flowed down into a pool. That waterfall might well take care of those idiots in the boat. But that was all the better for him!

He alighted at the landing across the pool from the waterfall and found that the ladder leading to the outside world was blocked by a giant colander, sealed with a yodeling zipper. Sir didn't know it, but this was the Zipper-Operated Yodeling Kolander that Dewey had told Violet about. Speaking of Dewey, his teeny little dinghy was beached on the landing as well, "Ah, so that Phantom fellow's already hopped it." remarked Sir to himself, "I'd better crack the code."

The code seemed to involve seven bottles and a scrap of notepaper that seemed to be from Dewey himself.

The note read:

'DEAR WHOEVER THE HELL YOU ARE,

DOUBTLESS, YOU WISH TO LEAVE THESE TUNNELS AND RETURN TO THE SUNLIT LANDS.

TO DO THAT YOU NEED TO EITHER HAVE THE KEY, AS I DO, OR SOLVE THE PUZZLE OF THESE BOTTLES THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU.

FOUR OF THESE BOTTLES ARE DEADLY POISON, TWO OF THEM ARE CHEAP WINE I STOLE FROM THE LIQUOR STORE. ONLY ONE BOTTLE CONTAINS THE FORMULA NEEDED TO SILENCE THE YODELING ZIPPER AND ALLOW YOU TO PASS.

CHOOSE WISELY.

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

DEWEY PLOT TWIST'

"What a peculier puzzle." mused Sir, "I'd better figure this out quickly before any of those other fools make it over here."

A heavy bank of fog had descended on the longship, making visibility quite scarce.

"Boss," began Fernald, "do you hear that rushing sound?"

Olaf turned to his lacky, "It's probably nothing."

"If there's nothing out there," quipped Enya, "then what was that noise?"

"Your face!" answered Olaf rudely.

"It's getting louder!" whimpered Flo, "And louder!" continued Tocuna, "It's..." started Reggie.

"It's..." tried Sunny.

"IT'S A GODDAMN WATERFALL!" screamed Mr. Poe. The others screamed with him as the fog cleared and the dreadful falls were revealed to them.

The longship tipped down and submerged in the pool.

But, since the ship was large, it surfaced at once with Olaf and company clinging to the sides of the boat, soaking wet.

Sir had been studying the bottles in the puzzle intently and had deduced which two bottles contained the cheap wine. He was currently chugging down the first of the wine bottles and was tipsier then the Biddy-Biddy Rich Man of Minolou Springs.

Olaf, Sunny, Mr. Poe and the other five fools scrambled onto the landing with him.

"What the hell are you doing, midgit?" Olaf asked. Sir replied in a slurred, drunken voice, "I have found the exit, you damned codswolloping ass! Leave me be! I'm sampling the wine!"

Olaf noticed the second, unopened bottle of wine. "Excellant!" he smiled, he opened the bottle and began his own drunkard fest.

"Bibblebop!" sighed Sunny, which meant, "Oh, darling Olaf and his drinking!"

We'll leave them to their idiocy for a few minutes.

Esme stood astride her table raft, paddling with the leg. Carmelita had practically passed out from exaustion and despair at losing Duncan.

The wicked fog bank once again closed around the travelers.

"I can't see! I CAN'T SEE!" screeched Carmelita, "I'VE GONE BLIND! OH, LORD HAVE MERCY!"

"You're not blind." sighed Esme, "It's fog, and judging by the ever growing sound of rushing water, we're approaching a falls."

"You mean a waterfall?" Carmelita asked, in a voice hushed with horror.

"Quite." replied Esme drily.

Carmelita turned back down the Tunnel and called, "DUNCAN! THERE'S A WATERFALL! BE CAREFUL, SWEETIE! I LOVE YOU!" She was probably going to say more, but she went down the Falls with Esme.

It isn't often wise to listen to wild voices that come to you in the pitch darkness, but the Baudes, minus one, and the Quags couldn't help hearing the sharp, ear-shattering voice of Carmelita Spats echoing down the Tunnel to them: "DUNCAN! THERE'S A WATERFALL! BE CAREFUL, SWEETIE! I LOVE YOU!"

"That whore does like you!" realized Violet.

"WILL YOU STOP WITH YOUR LOVER'S QUARREL AND FOCUS?" yelled Chubs, "There's a waterfall! What are we going to do?"

"I don't know." shrugged Duncan, "You're the researcher, old boy!"

"JUST SOMEONE THINK OF SOMETHING!" said Isadora, her nerves nearly breaking. They could've stopped swimming, but by now the current was so strong that it dragged them along anyway.

"I've an idea!" beamed Chubs after thinking for a few seconds, "We go down the falls!"

They stared at him.

"What? The current is incredibly powerful by now. If we resist it, which is the only thing we can do, considering the circumstances, we will be dashed to pieces-"

"Against the rocks, you told us this before!" said Violet, exasperated.

But there was no more time for discusion. The fog came, the fog cleared and the children fell, screaming into the pool.

They, like everyone else who had taken a trip down the falls, surfaced after a few seconds under the water and mounted the landing where Olaf, Esme, Sunny, Carmelita, Sir, Flo, Tocuna, Fernald, Reggie, Enya and Mr. Poe were gathered. Olaf and Sir had finished both bottles of wine and were slapping each other drunkenly, the others were chattering with each other and trying to solve the riddle.

When they saw the children, Flo sighed, "Thank God! The smart kids are here, they'll solve the riddle for us!"

"What riddle?" asked Chubs. Reggie glumy gestured to the bottles, of which only five of remained. He said, "Four of 'em are poison and only one of 'em opens that thing." he stared at the Zipper-Operated Yodeling Kolander.

"This must be that lock that Dewey talked about." mused Violet, "The odds are pretty crappy. Four bottles of poison and only one door-opening potion, thing."

"The easiest thing to do," suggested Duncan, "will be for each of us to take a bottle and drink."

Everyone stared at him, "Are you insane?" gasped Isadora, "We may all drink poison!"

"We've come this far, why not die together? And if one of us opens the door, that person might be able to get on with their life. None of these idiots are willing." he pointed to the others.

The four children looked at each other. Sunny had betrayed them, Carmelita was being manipulated by Esme and Mr. Poe was Olaf's lifeless puppet. Everyone that had once been their ally was useless and all the others had never been their friends to begin with.

"CHOOSE SOMETHING, NOW!" roared Sir, finaly coming to his senses and reaching into his pocket, withdrawing Dewey's harpoon gun.

"Where the blazes did you get that?" wondered Olaf, who sobered up on seeing the deadly weapon. "I found it in the cavern before I flew off. It was hidden underneath a pile of pantyhose." said Sir menancingly, aiming the harpoon gun in one hand and waving his broomstick around in the other.

"If you don't decide something fast, the baby gets it!" threatened Sir, training the gun on Sunny.

Violet looked at Duncan and Duncan looked at Chubs and Chubs looked at Isadora and Isadora looked at Duncan and et cetera, et cetera

They were going to try to save Sunny, though she had betrayed them.

They each bent down and picked up a bottle so that only one remained on the ground. Chubs and Violet gave an embrace, Duncan hugged his sister and gave Violet a tender kiss.

"I love you." he said to her, clutching her free hand.

"I love you, too." Violet had tears in her eyes.

Chubs took Isadora's shoulders, "I want you to know, darling. That no matter where we go, you will be in my arms. I will never forget the day we met. And that day-" he paused to reminence about certain bedroom rituals.

Isadora smiled, "I'll never forget that day either." she addressed Violet and Duncan as well, "We'll all be friends. So much crap has happened. So many-" she stopped, trying to think of an analogy.

"So many queer events?" posed Violet, "A Series of Queer Events."

"Title drop!" Olaf pointed out.

They stood in a circle, uncorked their bottles and downed them.

There was a moment of silence as the bitter fluid reached each child's palete.

"We're alright!" sighed Violet, they all shared a laugh.

But the door would not open and presentally a shudder went through each of their bodies.

"Ugh!" Isadora collapsed to the floor.

"The poison!" wheezed Chubs, "It is poisonous!"

"Sunny!" groaned Violet as her vision became blurry, "Drink the last bottle!"

Sunny looked at her siblings and friends as she realized in horror what she had caused. She crawled over to Violet and enclosed her in a hug, "Sister." she said, which isn't very redeeming seeing as she openly insulted Violet less than a few minutes ago.

Violet kissed her sister's forehead, "Save yourself. We're dying."

One odd thing about Sunny was that she never cried. At least, not that anyone had seen. But now, Sunny had tears welling in her eyes, "Goodbye Vi. Goodbye Kla."

"Call me Chubs!" moaned Chubs, clutching his chest and giving his baby sister a small smile, "Goodbye, Dunc. Goodbye, Izzy."

"Where did our nicknames come from?" Isadora pondered, trying to be brave in the face of her end.

Sunny picked up the last bottle and drank. The taste was bitter, but the yodeling ceased and the zipper, un-zippered.

"Come, love." said Olaf, picking her up, "Adieu." he saluted the four children, "And thank you."

The henchfolk followed, Mr. Poe crying silently into his mucus-ridden handercheif.

"Come on, Carmelita." said Esme coldly, "They've served their purpose."

Carmelita looked at Duncan, her shoulders shuddering, and said, "I'll always be with you. You may not want me and I think I can come to terms with that. Just know, that I was an idiot for ever letting you go. Goodbye, Duncan."

They left next, Sir stared at the children, "So long. I'm sorry. I wasn't going to hurt her. I'm sorry that I tried to harm you. I've lived long enough to know that alliegence with the 'good' or 'bad' gets one nowhere. Listen to each other, because you're it! You are everything for each other. I feel so stupid! I abbandoned the one friend I ever had in that cavern and now I have no one to tell me what's right. You see, sometimes one gives into their emotions all the way and they snap. I snapped. I was stupid. Be family, Baudelaires and Quagmires. Live in the spirit of your parents passed-and, in your case, Quagmires, your parents still living. You parents are living somewhere safe. They are in the land of the serpent: deep and dark and dangerous. If I ever meet them, I'll apologize to them as well. Don't ask me how I know all this. It will all be revealed in time."

He left.

Isadora turned to her brother, her chest rising and falling in pain, "Our parents are okay!" she struggled, Duncan clapsed her hand, "Let's get the hell out of here!"

He wavered to his feet and took his sister's hand, she took Chubs' and Chubs took Violet's.

In this fashion, they passed through the zipper and up the ladder.

"Ugh!" Moaned Violet as they emerged in the evening air of-wherever they were.

They grew pale and silent and fell to the the ground.

A/N: Here we are, folks! The kids are dying and this is where we will leave them for Book 4!

But we still have one more Chapter to go! No songfics this time. Now's the time for a curtain call! The entire story you've been reading has been one huge musical so for our last chapter we'll have the characters come out and take a bow with some parting words!

A reminder that the lyrics for all songs can be found on our profile.

Update coming right now!:)


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13, And Then There Was a Curtain Call!

Disclaimer: For three books. Nothing.

A/N: And we're here! The conclusion of the book, that isn't altogether that interesting, if you ask me. It's themed after a traditional curtain call in old theater, when the actors come out on stage in groups and share some parting words with the audience. Note that there will be information concerning Book 4 in the end note. Onwards!

I sat at my desk, looking at my laptop: this was it!

"Plot Murderer #1!" I called. He emerged from the room where he had been sleeping for the majority of the performance, "It's time to take your bow!"

"Yessir, Mr. #2!" he replied snapishly.

"I'm going to ignore your double meaning. Let's get on stage and take a bow!"

We arrived at the Queer Events Theater where you, readers, have been watching the show.

"Take your bow, boy!" I urged him.

"Alright, alright!" he sighed, throwing a bouquet of flowers into the audience in the most cheesy way possible. "You've been a great audience, guys!" I called to them and we stepped to the side, "Violet Baudelaire and Duncan Quagmire!" I announced, as a few bars of 'I Feel Pretty' played in the background.

Violet and Duncan dashed onto the stage, "It's been great, guys!" cheered Violet.

"There's more where this came from!" bellowed Duncan as they kissed and joined us.

Plot Murderer #1 proclaimed, "Chubs Baudlaire and Isadora Quagmire!" 'Con te Partiro' played in back as Chubs and Isadora arrived.

"You've been odiferous!" he said. Isadora looked at him: "In a good way, I mean!"

"See you in Book 4, guys!" waved Isadora, they kissed and came to our group.

"Put your hands together for Count Olaf and Sunny Baudelaire!"

Olaf came on the scene, Sunny in arms as the 'Phantom of the Opera' played.

"We send our gratitude!" cheered Olaf, "I'm available for children's parties and bar mitzvahs!"

"Ham!" said Sunny, which meant, "You're such a ham, darling!"

Plot Murderer #1 continued, "Esme Squalor and Carmelita Spats!"

'Popular' started up as the two ladies came up, "You're absolutly marvelous!" beamed Esme.

"My first big role! Yay!" clapped Carmelita.

I continued, "Say a grand farewell for Arthur Poe and Martha Piedmont!"

'You Fell Out of the Sky' intoned and Mr. Poe tipped his hat, "So long, everyone!"

"It's been great!" waved Martha.

"The Plot Twist triplets!"

'Dinghy' began to play as Frank, Ernest and Dewey ran on.

"We're on to better things!" chorused Frank and Ernest.

"I'll be in the next book, everyone!" said Dewey.

"Sir and Charles Sternhart!"

We started 'Defying Gravity' as the midgit and the fruitcup arrived, "It's been great!" squeeled Charles.

"Defy Gravity, folks! Remember that!" roared Sir.

"One final goodbye for the Prufrock Squad!"

Some random music started because we never gave these guys an actual song.

"IT'S GREAT TO BE DEAD!" said Nero.

"Farewell!" chorused Remora and Bass.

"The Henchfolk!"

'Marvelous Weekend' started as the five loveable fellows arrived.

"WE'LL BE MORE IMPORTANT IN BOOK 4, GUYS!" they said as one.

"Goodbye, Kit Snicket and Commander Sausagepot!"

The two most minor characters in the story dashed onto the stage and waved.

"I'll be back for Book 4!" said Sausage Pot.

"And so will I!" waved Kit.

Standing ovation as:

THE CURTAIN FALLS

A/N: Third time's the charm, guys! Hope you enjoyed it all!

Are the kids gonna die? Probably not, but there is a fate worse then death to endure!

Some more questions that you guys might have:

WHERE WILL THE KIDS END UP NEXT?

WHERE IS THE HARPOON GUN?

WHERE IS DEWEY?

WHERE IS THE CHAMBER POT?

HAS OLAF GIVEN UP WITH HIS PLANS FOR THE BAUDE AND QUAG FORTUNES?

WHERE ARE THE QUAGMIRE PARENTS?

WILL MR. POE EVER SEE HIS SONS AGAIN?

WHAT FUNNY ESCAPADES WILL THE HENCHFOLK GET UP TO NEXT?

WILL I EVER STOP DOING THESE QUESTION LISTS?

Most of these questions and more will be answered in Book 4, which will parody Book 9. As such, it will be called 'The Wicked Carnival'.

Since this Book focused on musicals, mainly 'The Phantom of the Opera', so will the fourth. Our upcoming story will follow the same formula, though to a different extent. Book 4 will be based around 'Wicked the Musical'. It will focus on the Wicked B*tch of the West, otherwise known as Madame Lulu, otherwise known as Olivia.

See you guys there!

Book 4 Coming Next Friday!:)

The End


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